Bug Spirits...

So tonight when Halle goes to change in her room, she discovers a 'black thing' on her wall. I check it out... it's a MOTH. I tell her not to worry about it... they're like butterflies (a bug Halle likes), just not pretty, and not too smart either. She's starting to panic, so I here I go, to get the Raid. Of course I spray the thing and he's flying around the room and Halle's practically hyperventilating. I had to send her to another room to change until he stopped flying around. Halle went to check things out, and came back to me and told me that his head was twitching, and imitated his poor little chemically induced seizures. Trying to instill some empathy, I say to her... He's close to dying and he really doesn't feel good. You should send up a prayer for his spirit.

Halle replies, firmly.... 'Uh uh. He's a bug.'

Wanna hear something ironic? We observed the last night of Chalica this evening, and we lit our chalice in 'Respect for the interdependent web of all existence of which we are a part.'

Happy New Year!!!

Happy 2005, everybody! I hope your new year is starting off well... ours is. After a laid back New Year's at home with the girls, we rang in 2005 with a party on New Year's Day. The girls had a great time with their old KidVentures playmates and I got a chance to catch up with friends, some of whom I hadn't seen since Halle's fourth birthday party! A good time was had by all. Then my little man made it home this morning, along with his dad, Joel. It's nice to have 'little talking Tyler', as Ro calls him, home again. Joel will be here for a day or two as the flights are atrocious this weekend.

Tonight we're having my mother, stepdad, and grandmother over for dinner and to exchange gifts. I am really looking forward to that... not just the joy of giving, but the joy of getting the rest of the stuff out from under the tree so that I can take down the holiday decorations!

Tomorrow is my day off in observance of the New Year, and Tyler has an early doctor's appointment. His appetite has really dropped off and I think we need to do a med change. I'm hoping to cut back or cut out the stimulants and try Strattera again, now that I have a better idea on how others handle the sleepy side effects. It will be nice for Joel to go to this appointment as well; it gets wearing to make these decisions alone. And he'll get to go to Tyler's school as well; I think if Joel is agreeable we'll have lunch there. Tyler doesn't really complain, but I know it must be hard to see other kids' dad's at school functions.

I'm also going to make an appointment tomorrow to see someone myself; I was doing some research last week and came across on article about a study that indicated ADHD children who have parents with untreated issues (ad/hd, depression, etc) do not respond as well to treatment. I've suspected for some time that I'm ADD, and at my physical last month my primary doc suggested I also be screened for depression. I don't think I'm depressed, but I'm going to look into it anyway.

Well, Daija has the water bottle I use on her and Halle's hair and has figured out how to squirt it, so I guess that means my blogging time is over. I'll post updates on Tyler's appointment and whatever progress I make for mine, sometime in the next week.

Chalica

I'm not doing this the first week of December... too many work obligations, plus my birthday, Daija's birthday... I feel like the last week of December, right before the new year, is more personally significant. We're not doing any activities, just lighting a chalice for each principal and talking about them, but I'm collecting resources (stories, activities) to implement for the celebration next year. Anyway, here is the scoop for those of you who expressed an interest in more details.

While teaching our session on Religious Holidays / Holydays in our CRE program I realized that Unitarians did not have a holiday / holyday of our own. I believe we all need to be reminded of our beliefs and this is also a great opportunity to share our beliefs with others. This is a first draft. Please email me with any ideas to improve Chalica, as well as pass the idea along to fellow Unitarians.

Chalica - Celebration of the Flame (Unitarian Winter Holiday/Holydays)

Chalica is seven days long and runs from the first Monday in December through to Sunday. Each day represents a different Unitarian Principle, a chalice is lit each day and gift(s) are given and received. Gifts can be made, bought, verbal, written, acts, shared/personal celebrations. One can have seven different chalices or one common chalice. The days are as follows:

Monday: We light our chalice for the inherent worth and dignity of every person. -- Give gift(s) to honour those you do not understand / agree with / like. Examples: - a thank-you card celebrating differences - words of forgiveness / apology - a peace offering such as inviting someone to dinner - help someone in need

Tuesday: We light our chalice for justice, equity and compassion in human relations. - Give gift(s) to honour those in your local community that are less fortunate. Examples: - spend time in a soup kitchen - donate clothes to a worthy organization - display kindness and care to those around you - take part in a political demonstration at city hall

Wednesday: We light our chalice foracceptance of one another and encouragement to spiritual growth in our congregations. - Give gift(s) to honour fellow Unitarians and their spiritual journey. Examples: - a chalice / book / hymnal - extend words of peace or forgiveness to a fellow Unitarian with whom you may have hurt / not understood in the past - offer / take part in an event at your church / with your congregation - church potluck

Thursday: We light our chalice for a free and responsible search for truth and meaning. - Give gift(s) to honour another tradition, to honour education Examples: - offer / take part in an event that celebrates another religion / tradition - teach someone something you know and love - learn something new from someone else - give a book / read a book

Friday: We light our chalice for the right of conscious and the use of the democratic process within our congregations and in society at large. - Give gift(s) to honour democracy Examples: - help a political party - write your government - help a committee at church - host a dinner / party to celebrate democracy

Saturday: We light our chalice for the goal of world peace, liberty and justice for all. - Give gift(s) to honour our global community Examples: - volunteer with an organization that has global influence - write a letter for amnesty international - help your social justice committee hold a fundraiser - donate to a cause such as UNICEF, Doctors without Borders, etc.

Sunday: We light our chalice for respect for the interdependent web of all existence of which we are a part. - Give gift(s) to our earth and/or its creatures Examples: - start a compost - recycle bottles and cans and donate the money to an environmental /animal aid society - rescue an animal from a shelter - hold an outdoor worship service (dress warm/bonfire)

Happy Chalica! --- End forwarded message ---

Holiday Happenings in AZ

Well, starting a few days back... I got a package in the mail from Tyler's paternal grandparents. The box had some new clothes for Tyler, including three hooded sweatshirts! I guess Grandmommy heard through the grapevine that Tyler has lost a hooded sweatshirt, a hooded denim jacket, and a winter jacket since the beginning of November. I told him, when I gave him the last jacket, if he lost it he'd have to suffer until the weather warmed up. And sure enough, when his dad came to pick him up, I told him... 'Tyler doesn't have a jacket. I hope it's not too cold in VA.' The clothes are all too big, so I put them away, and wrapped the sweatshirts. He'll be thrilled to see them :) Also included was a check for $200, with instructions for me to buy a gift for Tyler from them, and something for the girls as well so they would remember Lean & Rev, and know that they had been remembered. I pondered for a while on this... and decided to get them soemthing I've been wanting them to have for quite some time but have never felt justified in spending the money, and something the kids would have forever. I got each of them a chalice necklace. For those of you who don't know, the UU religious symbol is a Flaming Chalice. While Tyler's grandad is a Reverend for the African Methodist Episcopal Zion Church, I still felt this would be a fitting gift on their behalf... so I ordered Tyler a Contemporary Chalice (he always complains about chains so I'm hoping the leather works better) and Halle and Daija each a Rachel Chalice. I'm hopign they arrive by New Year's Eve, which is when we are doing our family celebration, after Tyler comes home.

Christmas Eve: we were told Thursday to go to lunch and don't come back... I was outta here by noon. Stopped and picked up tickets for Zoolights, similar to Ei's light display but at the zoo and featuring mostly animals and classical and holiday music. Drove down to Ahwatukee becasue I found out Wednesday that one of Daija's gifts ran out of stock before they shipped ours... d@mn amazon.com! I found something comparable, but not quite as cool at Toys R Us. I guess I could have waited till this week since we're spreading out our gifts, but that was the only chance I'd have to shop ALONE. I stopped at Target to get batteries for Tyler's stocking, and film. And earrings for Halle's stocking. And candy for the stockings. But then I bought sunglasses for each of them. And a movie to be a New Year's Eve gift. And a footed bowl candle holder... I was actually looking for a chalice for our table but 'real' ones are quite expensive. This one is glass (easier to clean), is the perfect size, and was only $9.99. Unfortunately, I still spent about $100. I'm hopeless... I should never have gone in there.

When we were grocery shopping on Friday early afternoon, we saw these porceilain dolls that were 50% off from $24.99... Halle was practically hyperventilating. They not only had a black doll, they had two wearing different dresses. I love porceilain dolls and the girls have a few... but they're hard to come by. I couldn't get back before the store closed at 6PM, and of course I had totally hinted that maybe santa would bring them each a doll. I was not feeling motivated at all; we usually watch a sunset to observe the solstice or attend UU services, but about 4:30 I decided we weren't going to do anything. I read, and tidied around the house, and eventually we went to McDonald's drive thru because I'd forgotten about cookies and all the stores were closed by then. We went home the girls took baths, and we watched Christmas cartoons on cable until they passed out. I put together the scooters and filled the stockings. I tried to carry Halle to bed but she was crying hysterically to see Santa, so I let her sleep in the living room. She came back into my room at some point, going right past the scooters without seeing them. When we woke up around 7AM, she asked me if it had snowed LOL. Then we went to check for Santa's visit. The girls both loved the scooters and their stockings... I put Halle's earrings in a jewel box and it was so cute to see her slowly open it and squeal. I hoped she would forget about the dolls but a few hours later she commented that Santa hadn't brought her doll. :( I made up an errand and went and got them as the store was open for a few hours Christmas Day. Daija was down for a nap, and Halle fell asleep watching a movie while I was gone... so I snuck the dolls under their stockings and didn't say boo about them. Halle spotted them after she woke up, but it took a while (Crystal and I were both dying). She figures Santa forgot them the first time around. ;) Ei, it must be an 8/31 thing too because that night at dinner Halle was talking about believing in Santa and Santa believing in you.

Then Saturday night we started our new tradition... honestly I feel a little fake doing Kwanzaa. I wouldn't if Ro or Joel celebrated the holiday, but (culturally speaking) Joel is darn near as white as I am and Ro has absolutely no interest in celebrating it. I've just always questioned my ability to 'officiate' that ceremony authentically, without denigrating it. So when Ei forwarded me an email about something called 'Chalica', I was enthralled. UU has seven principles, and someone somewhere suggested taking a week in December to really focus on our seven principles and what they mean. Like the world really needs another candle lighting holiday/light festival in December (Hanukah, kwanzaa, solstice, christmas, new year), but it's wearing sometimes trying to adapt the traditions of other cultures or faiths to be meaningful to us in ours. So Christmas night, we light a candle in our chalice for the first time for our first principle, and talked about what that principal meant, and what it meant to us and how we 'live' it. I'd bought seven gifts for Kwanzaa anyway, so we were all prepared. The girls each opened one gift the first night, and a second gift last night. The first night was great... I'm letting them choose their own gift from under the tree each night. The first night, Halle chose the package with he 4-ever Best Friends, so I gave Daija her beauty set. Halle was over the moon with her gift, and Daija loved hers too. They played with them all night and most of yesterday. There was minimal mess to clean up, and no overwhelmed, worked up kids with too much stimulation. Then when it was time to choose a gift yesterday afternoon, I was so glad I decided to scale back this year. Halle has such a case of the gimmies. She chose her gift and one for Daija... it turned out to be the book of tangrams for her and a puzzle for Daija. Well, Daija loved the Care Bear Puzzle, but Halle burst into tears. Despite the fact that she loves the tangram set that the school psychologist loaned me last year for Tyler, this gift just wasn't good enough. I explained to Halle that I chose that gift because we really need to give the school back their tangrams, and I know how much she loves them. I told her that I bought her that gift because I thought she would really enjoy it, and that it was very kind of me to do so, and her rudeness was hurting my feelings. I told her that when someone does something kind for you and gives you a gift, you have to use manners even if you don't care for the gift. I insisted that she say thank you, and then I told her I would put the book away and while she thought things over. If she changed her mind about it, I would get it for her, but if she decided she did not want the gift, we could donate it to someone who maybe had never been lucky enough to play with tangrams. Either way I am fine with what she chooses - she will either learn to appreciate a kind gesture, or she will learn to give to those less fortunate. After we ate dinner and lit our chalice for the second principle, we took the zoolights passes 'Santa' left in their stockings and went to zoolights. We really had a wonderful time. The moon was full and it was a little overcast, so kinda hazy. I took a couple pictures of it that I pray turn out. On the way home, Halle told me, that she was thinking about 'the game'. I asked her if she'd decided she wanted to use it, and she said, "I'm still thinking"... and that warmed my heart to know she is really giving the situation thoughtful consideration. I hope she learns what I'm trying to teach with this... that it's the thought behind the gift, and not the glitter that makes it special.

Phoenix Winter Wonderland

OK, for those of you in bad weather, I swear I'm not trying to rub it in... I just thought this was really cute!

Phoenix Winter Wonderland

Palm tress wave, are you listenin'?
In
the pool, water's glistenin'.
A beautiful sight, we're happy
tonight,
Livin' in a Phoenix Wonderland.
Gone away is the
blizzard,
here to stay is the lizard
A warm sunny day, we like it that
way
Living' in a Phoenix Wonderland.
In the desert we will have a
picnic,
cactus sand and rattlesnakes and sun.
Christmas dinner is an old
tradition,
It's pinto beans and tacos by the ton.
Later on we'll
perspire,
temperatures rise even higher.
A warm sunny day, we like it that
wayLiving' in a Phoenix Wonderland.

A reconcilliation?

I almost don't know where to start with this one, so I guess I'll just spit out the short version. Ro wants us to get back together. At first, I thought he was yanking my chain. Then, when I realized he was completely serious, I figured it really had more to do with the girls than with me. He is adamant that isn't so; yes, he misses them but he also misses me and'little talking Tyler'. He misses everybody. He thinks we can work out anything if we compromise. Needless to say I was pretty much completely thrown for a loop by this. When I left him last year I never anticipated us getting back together; I believed that what I valued and considered a priority and what he valued and considered a priority were too different. Over the last year the dynamics of his relationship with the kids has changed a lot, and there have been other changes that I didn't give much thought to before now. We had several long talks about his issue with me, my issues with him, and our respective priorities and what he wants and what I want. I have mixed feelings; on the one hand, leaving him was the hardest thing I ever did because I thought I would never be with anyone else. Our relationship and our family is all I ever wanted. Part of me thinks I have to at least consider the possibility of us working things out, and the other part of me wonders if I'd just be moving backwards. I know there are a few people who think I'd be out of my mind to get back together with him... and a few people who think it wouldn't be me moving backwards, but us moving forwards. I agreed last week to date him. Which is funny to me, because we never dated in the first place. I still wonder, if I'm not just a little crazy.

My *new* most embarassing moment... EVER.

The Wednesday before Thanksgiving I experienced what I may think may go down on record as being the most utterly humiliating moment of my life. Background: Toya, my best friends niece, has two kids that go to MLK and one that goes to the daycare Daija goes to. Apparently, a woman dropping off her grandson fell out of her car and had a heart attack in the parking lot that morning, and Toya was there dropping off her kids at the time. I picked up Daija first Wednesday night and Toya asked me if I knew anything about it because she was really worried about the family. I know a lot of people at the school so I told her I'd see what I could find out, and headed over tothe school to get Tyler & Halle. Now, by the time I get to the school, usually the only people there are the custodial staff since the office closes at 4PM. So I see one of the custodians and asked him about it. We talked a little about getting ready for the holiday and a little about how unfortunate that family situation was, etc. The kids saw me pull up and came over and just as they were walking up, he commented 'I never see your husband.' I was kinda taken by surprise, and replied 'No, you probably wouldn't.' He asked, 'Why is that?' and I just looked at him, and he said 'Oh, you're not married' and something about my ring, which I didn't really think looked like a wedding band but I guess these days it's hard to tell. But I digress... I of course there is this huge pregnant pause; I didn't know what to say in response to that. And in this huge, pregnant pause, my daughter, the one I should have chloroformed at birth, opened her sweet, angelic mouth and said with a giggle, 'you two look like you're in love.' And I felt my face turn purple and after a moment of stunned silence he asked, 'what did she say?' and I announced it was time for us to go and just started walking. Halle had already turned her attention to arguing with her brother and in this cacophony of noise, he tried to ask me if we could talk sometime and I just nodded like the village idiot. And a week or so later he did ask for my number. He's a nice guy but he's in his early twenties. (sigh) He told me right before my birthday he was dying to spend some time with me. I told him that what didn't kill him would make him stronger. He's sweet, but I just don't see anything coming of it. I feel kinda bad now because I don't know how to tell him I'm just not interested. If he was five years older, I would probably go out with him, but the difference between 31 with three kids, a dog and a mortgage and 23 with no responsibilities to anyone other than yourself is just too much of a stretch.

Look what the cat dragged in, Part 2

OK, volume one was the past six/eight weeks... this one is more about right now. I'm checking out Valley UU and there are a lot of things I really like about it. UUCP is in a very wealthy area and has way more empty nesters and seniors than families... VUU is in a suburb and so there are a lot more families. They have a much stronger RE program and I met with the Directorof RE and really liked her and where she wants to go with it. The congregation as a whole is a little more diverse than the one at UUCP, which is good. But I'm still feeling it out - I've been to four services. I really liked the first three, but had mixed feelings about this last Sunday.I think the Christmas Eve service may be a deciding factor.

Halle has blossomed from reading sight words to reading 'easy readers' independently. She still objects to new books, but once she's gone through a book once she likes to read it over and over. I've seen her take a couple level 2 Barbie readers that I had bought for her, when Tyler was in level 2s o he could read to her... she adds 'contextual' words whenever she hits something she can't sound out and she's pretty good at keeping with the story line. Joel flew in last Wednesday and he & Tyler left on Thursday morning.They'll be back on 12/29. Santa will come at Solstice (Christmas) and we'll start Kwanzaa on 12/26 and just let Tyler catch up after he gets here. But our family gift exchange we'll do on 12/31 at Karamu (the traditional Kwanzaa feast). I'm looking forward to finally doing Kwanzaa.

I'm reallys truggling with Tyler's meds; it's normal to have to titrate up several levels to find the most effective dose, but his appetite has just plummeted and he's been expressing some really anxious thoughts about how his peersperceive him. I've talked to his teacher and the staff at his after school program and they all say that Tyler is not having problems with the other kids. When I go to pick Tyler up he is always playing with other kids(basketball, kickball, football, board games, etc), but to hear Tyler tell it he is ostracized. I made an appointment for 1/3 with our pdoc. I'm hoping she will be on board with what I want to try; if she's not I'm going to have to find either a psychiatrist who can handle Rx's, or as a worstcase scenario, I may have to find another pediatrician for Tyler who specializes in children with ADHD. I've been trying to find psychiatrist (not a psychologist or therapist) within a reasonable distance from my home and I'm not having much luck. I really like Dr. S and I think she's a great (general) pediatrician, but neurological disorders aren't her specialty and she may not have the 'right' experience for Tyler. I'm praying it won't come to that and if she doesn't feel comfortable with my suggestion, I'll be able to find a good psychiatrist who has the experience to do it.

Yesterday morning I gave Daija one of her presents: a doll that only potty's when she sits on her potty seat. Halle was really coveting that doll so I decided to give it after Halle went to her winter rec program. She absolutely loved it and carted it all day. Then I took Daija to sears and got her 2yo portraits. I have a picture of Tyler and I from his 2yo portraits, so when Halle turned 2 I got hers too. So of course Daija and I had a picture taken together as well. She just loves the camera... the photographer said it seemed like her favorite thing in the world was to haveher picture taken and that she couldn't believe how well Daija was following her instructions to lay on her stomach, put her hand here, there, etc. I think I may see a runway in this one's future, especially after the pdoc's comments.

Then we went to my doctor to talk about my issues... some of which I was having last year when I saw him. Mostly that I think I am undiagnosed add.I have a handle on a lot of stuff I could never keep up with at home, but I'm still struggling at work with the portions of my job that are on the'boring' side. I really excel at the things that are crisis level, but the ongoing projects don't get the attention they need. He ordered some labwork to rule out anemia and thyroid stuff (again, but we did that lastyear), and for me to go be screened for add as well as depression. I went through a really rough spot in November, but I really don't think I'm depressed. I guess I'll let someone else make that call though.

Then after lunch it was off to Daija's 2yo well check. Dr. S and I talked for a long time about Daija's attitude... I've never had a hitter before and frankly I'm not sure what to do about it. Dr. S said everything we are doing is 'right', and gave a couple other suggestions; we may have to just ride out the phase. I told Dr. S that I feel like Daija's hitting has a lot to do with her being frustrated because she doesn't communicate well... that her 'actions' seem so much more advanced than her speech. I gave her some examples; if I'm in the kitchen and she's hungry, she will go to the cabinet and get three kids' plates or bowls from the cabinet. She will get a glass of water by herself. She will get a stool to reach things. A few weeks ago Daija was on a stool playing in the sink, dumped suds on the floor and said 'Uh, oh, mama, make a mess' and got a sponge to wipe it up. Dr. S said wow,that's five words... we expect an average 2yo to be using 2 word sentences.She was watching Daija put on her boots, and said it was really impressive that she had the coordination/dexterity to put them on herself, and even got them on the right feet. She said that I might have another Tyler on my hands in terms of intelligence. {sigh}. But Daija is 26 lbs, 6 oz, and 36!!! inches tall. She's still 50th % in weight, but is between the 90th &95th %iles in height. Dr. S says if she's stays on this trend, she'll probably be about 5'10". Model material ;)

Look what the cat dragged in, Part 1

I have recovered from my post election November blah's and December is winding down... so if nobody minds I think I'll be back to pester you guys. I went to my last Christmas party last week. Daija's birthday was yesterday... all the shopping is done for Solstice and Kwanzaa except stocking stuffers and a gift cert for my sis. Although, just to make things fun, I'm planning our
First Annual New Year Open House on Jan 1. I sent out our holiday cards, so I hope you guys receive them before the holidays.

So, how quickly can I recap? Earlier this year I began to feel like my congregation (UUCP) just didn't meet the needs of my family, or families in general for that matter. Last March, I had been thinking about checking into another UU that is about the same distance from where I live now as the one I had been attending, but then I met Mike. He was just joining the church (VUU) and finding his space there so I decided not to do anything. I hadn't been to church since May but since our ministers take summers off I didn't really feel the impact until services would have resumed. I was missing the UU community, but knew I didn't want to go back to UUCP. I was
kinda stewing over the fact that I was stuck with no church because no way could I go to the other one and risk seeing Mike. I had a bells and whistles moment and realized I needed to be there for a particular service and told him I was going to invade his church space (this was mid-Nov). Turns out he wasn't attending all that regularly anyway because of his schedule, but he acted like the possibility of me attending there was the best idea he'd ever heard. That conversation led to a realization that although he had respected my wishes that he not call me, I was getting a lot of mixed messages from him. He was emailing me more often than warranted
(usually once a week) and seemed to want more of my friendship than I was prepared to give so soon after a painful breakup. We had been broken up for well over two months and it still felt like it had just happened. I was fine if I was busy, but once it was time to lay down, or if I was alone in my car with my thoughts, I would cry more often than not. So in the midst of this mental crisis I was having I realized that I was avoiding dealing with this grief, and that he might be doing some avoidance of his own in regards to his expectations being very idealistic. I felt and I needed to acknowledge it and face him. I called him and asked if we could talk, either directly over the phone or in person, because we were both avoiding dealing with some things and neither of us doing all that well with the break up. That was a Thursday, and to my surprise he suggested we get together Saturday. Then Friday he cancelled and asked if we could reschedule for a week or two later due to finals for his classes. He has continued to email me but has made no mention of us talking and determining, realistically, what kind of relationship we could honestly have with each other. He seeks me out, but unless we are talking about ME, MY work, MY kids, MY family, the conversation just dies. Last Friday I told him that I didn't see why he continued to contact me; he isn't open or communicative with me and because of that I don't feel comfortable being open with him, and that it's just not much of a friendship. He emailed me back and said
that he understood and I am right. I'm not sure exactly what that means. I know I'm right... I'm always right. Almost, anyways. But regardless, I felt better about the situation with him from the point I hung up the phone from asking him if we could talk and I haven't cried since. I realized that although I do/did care very deeply for him, it was the comfort of the relationship I was grieving as much, if not more, as losing his presence in my life. I was disappointed, but not crushed the next day when he asked to reschedule. While I'm not thrilled that he never followed up with it, the fact that we still haven't talked really doesn't bother me that much. I guess I feel like I'm finally 'over it'... and for he and I to talk now would just involve me going back to a place I don't want to revisit. I think Mike is still a phenomenal person and care a great deal about him, but his inability to open up to others or to deal with emotional issues will not make it possible for us to be friends. At best, we can be two people who parted on friendly terms. Right now I'm trying to figure out a way to tell him this as kindly as possible. He's out of town until 12/28, so I have a little time...

My little man is off for the holidays...

Tyler wrote a note this morning:

Dear Family,

I'll miss you while I'm gone.

Full House...

Ro is planning on going to England next week, and called Monday afternoon and said he'd keep Daija for the rest of the week. Which is nice for Daija, and good timing - I just spent the equivalent of my van payment on this radiator issue I was having. It shaves a little time off my commute too. So he's staying at my house this week. Joel called at 7:30 to let me know he's on his way to Raleigh. He usually tries to take the red eye right back out, but there isn't a red eye on Wednesday nights. If he gets on this flight, he'll stay the night at my place and fly back out in the morning. Which should make for an interesting evening at the Whitmore house... two baby daddy's under the same roof.

VUU

I have been to VUU three times now, twice with the kids, who seem to be enjoying it. I like it as well. I haven't seen Mike there, although he did ask me how it was going and if I was still considering attending. I told him considering was a good word, I hadn't made a firm decision yet. I won't be going this weekend because this party goes quite late. I think I'm going to continue to attend when I can through the holidays and continue to see how it fits. They do have a Thanksgiving potluck on thanksgiving, which really appeals to me if we do stay there. I love big group dinners at thanksgiving. And they have a special children's service on Christmas Eve, whereas at UUCP, it's more of an adult service with a little 'children's moment' thrown in.

Hyperactivity disorder tied to brain irregularities

Monday, November 29, 2004 Posted: 12:38 PM EST (1738 GMT)
CHICAGO, Illinois (Reuters) –
Brain scans of children with attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder show abnormalities in the fiber pathways along which brain signals pass, scientists said Monday. The finding indicates the disorder may be more than just a chemical imbalance, they added. Using an imaging technique called diffusion tensor imaging, researchers found subtle anatomical differences in children diagnosed with ADHD that may affect communication between key areas of the brain -- the frontal cortex, basal ganglia, brain stem and cerebellum. "These areas are involved in the process that regulate attention, impulsive behavior, motor activity and inhibition -- the key symptoms in ADHD children," said lead researcher Manzar Ashtari, an associate professor of radiology and psychiatry at North Shore-Long Island Jewish Health System in New Hyde Park, New York. In another study, Ashtari found the brain irregularities diminished in children who had been medicated with stimulant drugs for an average of 2 1/2 years. "The findings ... indicate that the therapeutic effect of stimulants may involve a brain normalization process," said co-researcher Sanjiv Kumra, a psychiatrist at Zucker Hillside Hospital in Glen Oaks, New York. "Typically, ADHD is described as a chemical imbalance, but our research has shown that there may also be subtle anatomical differences in areas of the brain that are important in this disorder," Kumra said. Between 3 percent and 5 percent of American children are diagnosed with ADHD. Millions take stimulants to counteract the behavior, which can be disruptive both at home and in school and can lead to problems later in life. The research was presented at the annual meeting of the Radiological Society of North America.

VENT: Phoenix Zoo Field Trip/Assignment

So Halle brought home this social studies project she has to complete to go on referenced field trip. I looked at the cover sheet and first page last week, and it looked simple enough... asked her to draw a picture. We've been swamped at home and I never got back to it, until last night. It's due Wednesday, and we should have worked on it over the weekend but it slipped my mind. Anyway, I go through it last night and was pretty irate. The cover sheet indicates she would need minimal assistance... but she's supposed to list things she wants to see at the zoo, what books she's read about the zoo, if she hasn't what books she'd like to read, what animals are found at the zoo, what are only on farms, explain what a reptile is and why the two new rhinos came to the zoo, and write two sentences about why she thinks they have their names. There are no resources included in this assignment (as in, details about the rhinos, lists of books, a worksheet with pictures of animals where she is supposed to circle the ones found in the zoo). It is an essay style assignment and this has to be done all in her own handwriting. Tyler would need 'minimal' assistance with this assignment; Halle will need 'considerable' assistance.

> -----Original Message-----
> From: Whitmore, Cynthia
> Subject: Phoenix Zoo Field Trip/Assignment

> Halle will not be turning in her zoo field trip assignment on Wednesday.
> My support person is on her second week of vacation and I have had to
> bring work home several nights, in addition to preparing for our holiday
> celebration, and simply do not have time right now for homework that
> requires much more than what I would consider minimal assistance. Please
> accept my apologies as I can't find a better way to express this, but I do
> not consider this a homework assignment for Halle. Basically, it's a
> homework assignment for me. While she is more than capable of drawing the
> three pictures independently, there is little else on the assignment that
> either won't be spelling out for her, or writing for her so she can copy
> it. This assignment is on par with the work that Tyler brings home, and I
> find it a bit much for a five year old who spells and reads only sight
> words, and does not yet write sentences or surf the internet, to be
> expected to manage without considerable help. I will be able to review
> this assignment with her over the holiday weekend, however, I may not have
> the time to stand over her shoulder and dictate animals, book titles,
> sentences, and theories about animal names to her, and much of the
> assignment may be done orally. I understand that probably will not count
> toward her grade, and am willing to accept that. I also understand that
> you may exclude her from the field trip for not completing the assignment.
> I have explained to her that I will take her at another time, since it is
> really my failure to have adequate time to do this assignment, not hers.
> Also, I find some of the questions confusing and am hoping you can
> elaborate. There are, to my knowledge, no animals at the Phoenix Zoo that
> are only found at the zoo. While many are endangered, they can all be
> found in the wild, and Halle is aware of this. There are also a number of
> farm animals at the zoo, and since we have a membership to the zoo, Halle
> is also aware of that... so should we answer that question differentiating
> between the main zoo and Harmony Farm, or answer that question with names
> of farm animals that are not specific to this zoo? Also, in the question
> about what books Halle has read, I am unsure if the question is about the
> Phoenix Zoo specifically since Zoo is capitalized in the sentence which
> indicates a proper name, or what books has she read about a (generic) zoo.
> Regardless, this is going to require more research on my part... to hunt
> down several book titles/authors and descriptions for her to choose from,
> or to try and find the title of the book she has read. I haven't been
> able to find the one I thought we had; I believe it was donated.
> Thanks in advance for helping clear up my confusion.

Our Weekend

We made it to Raleigh and had a really good visit. It's very pretty there... and the weather was nice. About 10 degrees cooler, but still nice enough for the kids to go outside and play. Steph's husband, Keith, kept commenting how small it is. I know it's a capital and everything, but it seemed really rural to me too. I guess because there were so many trees it was hard to see much else ;) Most of the office buildings I saw were in two story, house like buildings. We went out for tempenyaki (sp?) Saturday, which the kids all loved. Daija kept sharing her (bitten into) food with the couple sitting on the other side of her. The lady was a champ - took it totally in stride and held out her hand for every morsel Daija offered her. I was quite relieved however, that she didn't actually eat any of it.

Queenie Mama for President

Tyler and I were just talking, and he said that if he could vote, he would vote for whoever was losing (my baby is so sensitive). I said that no matter what, he should always vote for the person who will do the best job for the country. Halle swung around in surprise, and said 'mommy, you're the best one for the job', like Tyler and I were stupid for not having figure that out. Who wants to be my running mate? Sorry, Gabe, but Abe Lincoln, watch out. Halle just nominated her momma.

Election Day

I went, got there around 7:30/7:40 and there was a small line but I didn't wait very long before a booth opened up. I spent a good amount of time reading up on local propositions, and I was really proud that I felt like I made informed votes on all of those. My boss was in line for a really long time though, but she lives in a white, upper middle class/upper class area... average age 40, average household income probably 3/4x mine. I was busy busy busy yesterday edumacating myself on all my local propositions. There were a couple that were really hot items 'round here... a lot of finger pointing and drama about what the end results of these props would really be and two that had one side accusing the opposite side of misleading the public. And of course the other ones no one knew anything about cuz all anyone talked about were props 200 & 400. So I did a little bit of researchin', and when I stopped on my way to work to get my little 'I VOTED TODAY' sticker.

Halloween

I wish 'Halloween' would be moved and simply celebrated the last Saturday of October. I'm sure my children are just gems in school today after last night. We went to Enchanted Island Amusement Park like we usually do. We did that for a little over an hour then headed home in hopes of t/t'ing for a little while. I think next year we need to t/t first, then go to Encanto. The party is from 5PM until 9PM, and I noticed that after 6PM, the loooong line for ride bracelets disappeared. By the time we got home around 7:30PM, about half the porch lights were out, so we only went to about six houses before the 'unofficial' end of t/t'ing at 8PM. The kids had a great time; we talked in advance about leaving the park and Tyler did AWESOME; when I said it was time to go, he said 'OK'. Halle pouted for about a second. Daija had mixed feelings about the event. She looked very serious during all the rides she went on, but pitched a fit every time I took her off a ride. She just didn't get that she was going to get on a different one in minute. I was laughing at myself, shoving her into her stroller as she kicked and screamed, then digging frantically for a piece of candy to placate her until the next ride. What a model of parenting skill. But she just LOVED t/t'ing. She was sooo cute; she was not shy at all about walking up to doors and holding out her candy bag. Of course Tyler and Halle would get to the door first, and then after she got her candy she would race after them as fast as her tiny little legs would carry her. Her costume was hooded, and bulky, so her balance was a little off and she didn't have much peripheral vision. She would be running along and at the corner where the sidewalks would meet the driveway, every single time she stepped off the pavement into the grass with one foot, and went tumbling. She never made a whimper though... tolerated me picking her up, then shoved me off so she could retrieve her bag, and she was running again, just as fast as her little legs would go. I tried to teach the kids how to sing 'Trick or Treat, smell my feet, give me something good to eat'. I have clearly spent too much time lecturing them about manners. Tyler was pretty tentative singing it, and Halle got mad at him every time he said it. He'd sing it, and she's say 'Ty-LER' through gritted teeth. I never did get Daija to say trick or treat, but she did say 'day-doo' (thank you) at the last house.

I just printed off a bunch of info about all these different propositions for the election tomorrow... man, this requires way too much brain power.

Magic Fog & Sky Spit

This morning there was this thick, heavy fog, which Halle has never seen before. It was so thick that I could only see about two houses ahead of me while driving this morning. She asked where it came from; I told her it was magic here for Halloween. Her eyes got sooo big. Which reminds me of when it rained last week; Daija doesn't really remember the last time it rained. We were outside and some drops fell on her face, and she kept saying 'eeeewwww' and wiping her face; I think she thought she was getting spit on :)

yikes...

I only have until Friday or Saturday to do my benefits changes. I just sat down and estimated, what my contacts and Halle & Tyler's Rx's and well visits for all of us are going to cost me next year, taking into consideration the increases in my copays and that Tyler's pediatrician thinks his vision is about 20/30 and he's probably going to need glasses soon, how much money I need to put in my medical TFSA. (sigh) $800.

Hell, again...

I had to talk to Halle's teacher yesterday and give her a heads up that one of Halle's friends from class told her that if Halle went trick or treating, she would 'go down to the devil'. Well, I wasn't thrilled by it because Halle gets upset any time she and Hasani have a disagreement, but I know it wasn't said out of malice. I know the little girl very well and she is a sweet little soul. She always runs up and hugs me whenever she sees me and on Monday told me that she wishes I was her mother. I've met her parents, and they are also lovely people. They obviously don't celebrate Halloween, and I'm sure that they've had to try to explain to their little girl why she doesn't get to dress up or go Trick or Treat, and their reasoning is probably that they believe it is Satanic or otherwise sinful in nature, that God wouldn't like it, etc. She's just repeating what her parents believe, but she's still at an age where everything is either black or white - good or bad - right or wrong. I only brought it up to her teacher because Halle may choose to disclose her version of what we discussed if the subject comes up again at school. I wanted her teacher to be aware of what was going on in case Hasani's parents call with any concerns that Halle told Hasani something that is contradictory to their religious beliefs.

Huffing

So I took a plunge from one of the skyscraper high diving boards of parenting today and talked to Tyler (and Halle) about huffing. I've been dreading having to do this for so long... you just never want to have to be the one to tell your kids about the bad stuff. But if he doesn't hear about it from me first... I don't want to think about where and how he'll learn it. He'll be in Jr. High next year. He knows that drugs are bad, and says all the time that he won't do them... he understands that there are legal and illegal drugs, etc. But huffing is something he might not understand is a 'drug.' I've been getting these newsletters from www.theantidrug.com (that's me, btw, in case y'all haven't heard the PSA's), and today there was a link to a newspaper article about a couple boys in Michigan that died (Second Bay City teen dies after 'huffing' accident). I took it home and had him read it, and we talked about what it means to get high... he thought it meant get taller. Can you just imagine, my little baby who is always complaining about being short and wanting to grow, being offered a way to 'get tall?' He'd sign right up. So I explained that sometimes people use drugs to get high, and it's kinda like people using alcohol to get drunk. And I told him how I hope it never happens, but that some time someone might ask him to get high by breathing some fumes, or smoking something, or taking a pill, or sniffing something into his nose, or injecting something in his arm with a needle. I told him how sometimes kids think that it's not dangerous to breathe in fumes from paint or gas because you can buy it at the store, but that it's still really dangerous... it makes you do stupid things like light cigarettes by gas and cause fires, and the chemicals can hurt your body so bad that you can be sitting at home and just fall over dead, even if you're only 14 years old, or 12 years old, or 10, or 8. I told him that getting high can make you hurt people, and steal from people, even people you love like your family. I told him how if a woman is pregnant and does drugs it can hurt her baby so bad the baby can die, or be born with something wrong with it's body, or with brain damage that would make it hard for the baby to learn in school. He wanted to know how I learned so much about drugs, so I told him my introduction to the concept (Elvis) and then he looked at me like I was stupid and commented, 'you know I'm going to think about this tonight when I'm trying to go to sleep' and I told him I wished I never had to ever tell him anything scary or bad, but that I have to make sure he understands how dangerous huffing is. But he's sleeping sweetly now, so hopefully 'Pirates Past Noon' was what he was thinking of after I turned out the light

Halle Update

Halle's still writing her morning message every day... and last week she got 100%'s on both her spelling and math tests. I guess only one of the other 2 kids in her class got 100 on the math. My baby girl is smart :)

In other news...

I've started calling Daija 'Houdini'... I swear she can get into and out of anything. I had to put the extra tall baby gate up at my bathroom entry to keep her out of my makeup. The only thing two baby restraints she can't get out of are her carseat and her feeding chair. She can get into the fridge. If the deadbolt isn't on, she can get out of the house and into the garage. My garage door is weighted... it won't stand open by itself, it's heavy so it will swing shut. HALLE has trouble opening it. But Daija followed me out into the garage two or three times over the weekend. I had to put a flip lock on the pantry to keep her out of it.

Tyler and Halle both brought home perfect attendance awards Friday, and Tyler also brought home an honorable mention award... not bad for a kid who was failing second grade a year ago. I need to remember to call Halle's teacher (someone remind me) to find out if she's doing her morning message every day. I keep forgetting to take that stamp to her teacher.

MAJOR Announcement!!!

Those of you who are mothers will understand... the rest of you will think I'm insane. But I'm OK with that... It's nothing I haven't known for a long time...

Daija came to me tonight, grabbing her backside and saying 'boo boo' (translation: I got #2 in my diaper). I said OK, let's go get it cleaned up and went to the laundry room, where our changing station is. She walked right past me, and started down the hall. When I went to grab her to take her in to the changing pad, she took off running. Went straight to the toilet and tried lifting the lid (which, for a change, was down like it's supposed to be). I asked her, Do you want to sit on the potty? And she replied 'Poh-yee'. So I grabbed the little toilet training insert and got her on there... and sure enough, she finished the last of her 'boo boo' IN THE TOILET!!!

Life is good

SUMBITCH

No other way to describe it. I ask Tyler about his day over dinner, and he tells me something about the school being shut down because there was a crazy person with a gun. I'm thinking, naaaah. I check their backpacks... and in each one is a lovely notice from the principal to inform parents that the school was on lockdown from 7:20 until 8:35 while the police were investigating a shooting at 28th & Chipman, which I believe is less than a mile away.

Halle Update

Well, so far so good. Ro and I had a good long talk with Halle of the good cop, bad cop variety. I did the, 'we want you to learn' and he did the 'you'll deal with me if I hear any more reports like this'. I picked up some stickers and told her that I'd put one in her box on the calendar for every day that she wrote her morning message. I'm going to drop off a little hand stamp with her teacher, so that when Halle turns in her morning message, she can stamp her hand, then I know to give her a sticker. I told Mrs. B.A.G. that I was going to focus on improving just that one area for now, in hopes that getting her off on the right foot first thing in the morning will carry over into the rest of the day, and that once Halle is doing her morning message regularly, I'll focus on another problem area. Apparently Halle came into class both yesterday and today and got out her paper and pencil and got to work, so teacher says it seems to be working so far. Let's hope she keeps it up!

The birds and the bees and the flowers and the trees...

Tyler actually got in trouble last Thursday at PAC because he and another boy were talking about sex and privates. I talked to Tyler and he said that Rashaad said that Tyler had a pretend girlfriend and he was pretending to have sex with her. I was giggling when I asked Tyler if he knew what sex was, and he burst out, exasperated, 'No, I don't, and that's why I never pretend to do it!' Anyway, at that point I could totally see how Tyler would have felt compelled to yell back 'no I'm not having sex' etc. I've always had the approach that if they're old enough to ask, they're old enough to know... and while Tyler knows how babies grow and how they get out, and all the 'correct' names for body parts, he's never asked how babies start or exactly what sex is. But I think we need to have that talk. I love his naivete, but I don't want it to cause him to be a target for being coaxed to do or say inappropriate things (like yelling 'I'm a gaylord')...

oooh, aaaah

... I lost my bra, I left it in my boyfriends car.

Gawd, I love other people's children.

Edited Version:

Oooh, aaaah, I lost my car, I left it at the shopping mall

3rd presidential debate

I didn't see any of the other debates but I did catch about half of this one. I was really bothered by Bush deflecting the question on minimum wage and going off on a tangent about NCLB for a couple reasons. While I believe that better education leads to better wages, I don't think NCLB is going to do that, and frankly, there are educated people out there who are having trouble staying employed so I really was disappointed by his insinuation that the problems in our economy are because of a failure in the education system. There are a lot of educated people who are unemployed and under employed, and the issues in our public education system are not to blame for that. I also wish he would have rebutted some of Kerry's remarks with something more substatial than stating Kerry didn't know what he was talking about. I'd have liked to have heard a detailed, concise, and solid reason or reasons WHY he thought Kerry was wrong.

Tyler & Halle's Conferences

Parent teacher conferences were about two weeks ago - had Tyler's first and he's doing really well. No behavioral problems, his focus/attention is good. He's not consistent with getting his homework turned in though - but that's almost to be expected with him. Other than that, his handwriting is now what she considers grade level, and she confided that his handwriting is not the worst in the class by any means. BUT, it is still laborious for him, which is one of two problems contributing to the improvements he needs to make in language arts. Because it takes him so long to write, he often loses his thought before he's done with the physical activity of writing. He does anything and everything he can to cut whatever he is writing about short - very few details, frequently fragmented sentences. She feels his analytical/logical nature also is a hindrance and she wants him to work on being silly/funny/creative in writing, and that it's OK to write about a character in a way that you wouldn't talk about a real person (like maybe make the character ugly, or crazy, or stupid, etc). So that's going to be our focus for him with his tutors. Oh, and his reading fluency doesn't match his comprehension and apparently Tyler interests lie in/he is choosing books that are beyond his fluency so I need to help him work on that.

Pleased as punch, I head over for Halle's conference. I got over to see Mrs. A.G., and I didn't think it was going to go well when she started off by saying 'Halle, Halle, Halle'. I commented as such, and she told me she is not very happy with my daughter right now. She said she thinks she is a very sweet girl, but she is not happy with her. Apparently, Halle does *nothing*. She comes into class with a smile on her face, but then goes to her seat and sits there, and usually does nothing while the rest of the class writes the morning message "Good Morning. Today is (month, day)." I swear to all that is I almost fell out of my seat when she told me this story.... the other day B.A.G. told her she couldn't have treat or free time or whatever was going on that day until she did the Wednesday morning message - which Halle did. But the on Thursday, thinking it had worked well the day before and she gave Halle the same instruction, Halle came to her two minutes later and said 'I'm done!' She had taken the paper she used Wednesday and erased Wednesday and 29, and wrote Thursday and 30 in their place. I was so glad Halle was not there; I couldn't have held it in. B.A.G. told me she thought it was pretty funny too, but would never tell Halle that. She figures if Halle was smart enough to do that, Halle is plenty smart enough to be writing the message every day like she's supposed too. B.A.G. tells me that she looks at Halle, and Halle looks at her, and she looks at Halle, and Halle looks at her. She says she gets the impression Halle thinks it's her job to sit there and look pretty; she will look over and Halle will be straightening her skirt, or adjusting her socks, etc. She gets a 100% on almost every spelling test, and got an 85% on the last reading test. Academically Halle is one of her best students, but she isn't doing anything to demonstrate that. She has moved her seat several times, no results. She has tried time outs, but that seems to suit Halle just fine (I can agree, Halle used to put herself in time out all the time). She's at a loss, I'm going to try and figure out a way to give her some incentive that will be easy for B.A.G. and I both to follow through on. She and I also talked about kinder standards and how lax the other kinders in the school and district seem to be. I told her how I was totally overwhelmed at the first of the year by her pace but had to say I am so impressed because obviously it isn't overwhelming the kids and they are clearly rising to the challenge, Halle included. She complimented my list of questions and asked where I got them, so that made me feel like a good mom :)

Pro-life? Look at the fruitsby Dr. Glen Harold Stassen

I am a Christian ethicist, and trained in statistical analysis. I am consistently pro-life. My son David is one witness. For my family, "pro-life" is personal. My wife caught rubella in the eighth week of her pregnancy. We decided not to terminate, to love and raise our baby. David is legally blind and severely handicapped; he also is a blessing to us and to the world.
I look at the fruits of political policies more than words. I analyzed the data on abortion during the George W. Bush presidency. There is no single source for this information - federal reports go only to 2000, and many states do not report - but I found enough data to identify trends. My findings are counterintuitive and disturbing.
Abortion was decreasing. When President Bush took office, the nation's abortion rates were at a 24-year low, after a 17.4% decline during the 1990s. This was an average decrease of 1.7% per year, mostly during the latter part of the decade. (This data comes from Minnesota Citizens Concerned for Life using the Guttmacher Institute's studies).
Enter George W. Bush in 2001. One would expect the abortion rate to continue its consistent course downward, if not plunge. Instead, the opposite happened.
I found three states that have posted multi-year statistics through 2003, and abortion rates have risen in all three: Kentucky's increased by 3.2% from 2000 to 2003. Michigan's increased by 11.3% from 2000 to 2003. Pennsylvania's increased by 1.9% from 1999 to 2002. I found 13 additional states that reported statistics for 2001 and 2002. Eight states saw an increase in abortion rates (14.6% average increase), and five saw a decrease (4.3% average decrease).
Under President Bush, the decade-long trend of declining abortion rates appears to have reversed. Given the trends of the 1990s, 52,000 more abortions occurred in the United States in 2002 than would have been expected before this change of direction.
How could this be? I see three contributing factors:
First, two thirds of women who abort say they cannot afford a child (Minnesota Citizens Concerned for Life Web site). In the past three years, unemployment rates increased half again. Not since Hoover had there been a net loss of jobs during a presidency until the current administration. Average real incomes decreased, and for seven years the minimum wage has not been raised to match inflation. With less income, many prospective mothers fear another mouth to feed.
Second, half of all women who abort say they do not have a reliable mate (Minnesota Citizens Concerned for Life). Men who are jobless usually do not marry. Only three of the 16 states had more marriages in 2002 than in 2001, and in those states abortion rates decreased. In the 16 states overall, there were 16,392 fewer marriages than the year before, and 7,869 more abortions. As male unemployment increases, marriages fall and abortion rises.
Third, women worry about health care for themselves and their children. Since 5.2 million more people have no health insurance now than before this presidency - with women of childbearing age overrepresented in those 5.2 million - abortion increases.
The U.S. Catholic Bishops warned of this likely outcome if support for families with children was cut back. My wife and I know - as does my son David - that doctors, nurses, hospitals, medical insurance, special schooling, and parental employment are crucial for a special child. David attended the Kentucky School for the Blind, as well as several schools for children with cerebral palsy and other disabilities. He was mainstreamed in public schools as well. We have two other sons and five grandchildren, and we know that every mother, father, and child needs public and family support.
What does this tell us? Economic policy and abortion are not separate issues; they form one moral imperative. Rhetoric is hollow, mere tinkling brass, without health care, health insurance, jobs, child care, and a living wage. Pro-life in deed, not merely in word, means we need policies that provide jobs and health insurance and support for prospective mothers.
Glen Stassen is the Lewis B. Smedes Professor of Christian Ethics at Fuller Theological Seminary, and the co-author of Kingdom Ethics: Following Jesus in Contemporary Context, Christianity Today's Book of the Year in theology or ethics.

Monday, back to work...

Well, I feel like I worked all weekend. My weekend was pretty good - productive. Got a lot of work done in the yard yesterday, and a lot of house cleaning... and I rearranged by bedroom. I think I have a little more space this way, even though I had to give up a little 'Fung Shui' to do it. There are only two walls I can put my bed on, and it just so happens that the one that makes sense for the bed, faces the door. But not directly, so I consoled myself with that. The wall that my bed was on is really better suited for an office nook. Anyway, it seems to look better this way, and I can actually feel my ceiling fan now... and I can see my TV from the bathroom (on those rare occasions I remember to check the weather channel!) Got the kids' Halloween pictures done, and I am now counting down to our appointment for family holiday portraits on 10/30. I have 4 more pounds to go by then... I've decided that breaking this weight loss down into five pound increments works a little better! So I'm focusing on getting down to 135 by the end of this month - that probably where I need to be to fit comfortably into most if not all my winter clothes. I probably already told you about my wardrobe crisis; I'm trying really hard to buckle down. I had gotten down to 138 and then shot back up to 144. I went back to phase 1 last week and did pretty well despite the obstacle of a couple oatmeal raison cookies... I took off four pounds. I'm down to 139 now and I'm so excited that 130 is actually on the horizon! Then I'm going to give myself until the PAI Christmas Party to lost another five. I had wanted to get to somewhere between 125-130, so I'm going to see after I get to 130 how that looks/feels before I decide to stay there. Of course, these are very lofty goals considering the holidays approaching. But I made up a 4/5 week meal plan last week and I think that's really going to help. I wrote down specific days for eating out, which are about half as often as we have been. I think I may just rotate the same plan instead of making a new one every month. Five weeks is a pretty long time to go between having the same meal twice...

Five year old girls: Built to cause terror...

Thus goes my Friday afternoon:

3:15PM My cell phone rings. Tyler indicates to me that Halle is not at PAC (Phx Activity City, after school program at MLK).

School is dismissed at 12:30PM on Fridays.

I ask to speak with Miss Nikki, who tells me that Tyler asked to call, and that she had not seen Halle all afternoon, and had thought I had picked her up early or something.

I call the office, and inform the dumb *** secretary (seriously, I think she's an idiot) that Halle is not in PAC. She seems to think *I* should know where Halle is, and informs me that the teachers are all in a meeting. I inform her that I left Halle in the school's custody this morning, therefore I expect her teacher to be able to tell me where my daughter went when school was dismissed, and I need to speak with her NOW. She goes to get her, and B.A.G. tells me that after school, Halle and another student who go to PAC were walking to the cafeteria after school. I inform her that Halle never arrived there, and she indicates that they will do an all call and search the campus. I try to call Salvation Army; their rec center is where ASU's Service Learning Program that Halle and Tyler attend on Tu/Th is, but their line is busy.

3:25PM With most of my coworkers huddled in my cube, I call 9-1-1. I am praying she's at salvation army, but if she's not, someone has a three hour head start with my baby girl and I figure Phoenix PD can check all possible places I think she might be in the time it would take me to get to my car.

3:28PM I hang up with 9-1-1, try Salvation Army again and get through; the old guy who volunteers at the front desk puts me on hold.

3:29PM I get call waiting from the school, click over to Nikki who tells me Mrs. Poole (the attendance clerk; she has a clue and I really like her) got in touch with Salvation Army and Halle went on a field trip with the ASU tutors.

3:30PM Having been disconnected from Salvation Army, I call back and Mr. Volunteer puts me on hold, and gets Miss Janet (preschool director at the Salvation Army) who tells me that she saw Halle with someone from the ASU 'Garden Club' (comprising of the tutors from the SLP). I inform her that I have never heard of the Garden Club, and would love to know why the HELL anyone would take my five year old daughter on a field trip without my knowledge or consent. She says she will go and search the community center for Halle, and I ask her to please do so, so that I can call off the swat team.

3:35PM I am on the phone with ASU's switchboard trying to find out who the Hell is in charge of the Garden Club and where they took my damn child; Miss Janet calls back and tells me that she found Halle in the rec center Library. Apparently Halle got there, realized she was not supposed to be there, and being unsure what to do, just went to the Library with the 'Library Lady', and never mentioned to anyone that SHE WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BE THERE.

3:38PM I call back to 9-1-1, who informs me that the police have been at MLK for 11 minutes. I explained that I was en route from work, but had just gotten a call and that Halle was at Salvation Army. Ms. 9-1-1 says she'll have the officer meet me there.

I have to give major props to Phx PD - by the time I had tracked Halle down by phone, they had already been to the school and had knocked on all my neighbors' doors... they also beat me to salvation army. I don't think Halle was scared (in her mind, she was in a safe place) at all until I got there and she saw how upset I was and that I had called 9-1-1.

First day of school

We managed to get up and out of the house yesterday! On time, running smoothly. Ro went with us to school; I could tell he was a little 'alarmed' by the school. It's about 50 years old; the school Tyler went to was only 2/3 years old and from what I heard, they went way over budget. It's also about 50/50 Black/Hispanic, with only a handful of white kids and I could tell he was going to the stupid place about that too. He started asking me about private schools which I'm against at this point; there are none in this area I'd be willing to send the kids too, and I can't drive across town for the two/three programs I'd be willing to try. We had a heart to heart
about the quality of the teachers vs. the size of the budget and I think he really came around to see my point of view. I pointed out how well Tyler has done there at the 'gangsta' school and how much trouble he was having at the 'country club' school... and said that if when the kids get older they aren't getting what they need there I'll be happy to revisit it but I really feel like it's important for them to be where they are for now.

Tyler had a great day... all the kids from last year are still in his class, except one of the James' who is still at the school but apparently not in the gifted program anymore. This James was the James who wasn't a particularly good influence, so I can't say I'm unhappy that they won't be
in such close quarters. There are two new boys, and three or four new girls. Mrs. H said he was a little talkative, but that was to be expected.

The kindergarten teachers at MLK don't have teacher's aides (!!!) so I wound up doing that all day yesterday. The kids are just priceless... and a couple of the girls have really high aspirations for kinder. During 'circle time', Mrs. A/G was asking the kids what they wanted to learn. Most kids said read, write my name, one kid wanted to learn to do a cartwheel. But Hasani wants to learn to be a mother, either Kayla or Krishelle wants to learn to be a doctor, and Halle announced that she already knows how to read, so she wants to learn how to baby-sit babies. I really like Hasani, she told me while giving me a hug that I have a really small stomach. Made it a point to introduce myself to her mother ;)

Halle's day had ups and downs... she started off with a bang... happily waved goodbye the first time I went to check on Tyler. Things started to go downhill at the potty/water break. There are 15 girls and 4 boys. There are four stalls in the kinder bathroom. Needless to say, there was a wait for the girls room. It was very hot. Halle is not about being uncomfortable. So 30 minutes or so later, when the teacher needed to turn in attendance and coupled that with a tour of the school so all the kids would know where the nurse and office was, Halle decided it was too hot for a walk so she would just stay in the classroom with me while I made writing packets. I wound up going on the tour of the school. Then, when they started an activity, Halle decided to join me at the work table, and got teary when I sent her back to her seat. When I left to grab something to drink & check on Tyler, she cried. this is when I returned and she wasn't working. I asked her what was wrong, she said she didn't' know what to do. So I'm going over directions, and Mrs. A-G informs me that she knows what to do, because she had turned around to tell someone else what to do. She eventually finished her assignment, and did great at lunch. Cried when I left her room to have lunch with Tyler... when I came back, still not really working. Finally Halle starts working, and almost completes the sheet before Art. She went happily to art without me, and I finished homework folders and chatted a little with her teacher. She did a little better with the activity they did afterwards, but was still more concerned with correcting the mistake the child next to her was about to make than she was with completing her own work. She went to PAC (Phoenix activity city after school program held in he gym), and wanted to stay. So I left for an hour; apparently while I was gone, Miss L. Jones (gifted 2nd grade) went
into the gym, and Halle asked her to stay 'I want an adult to watch me'... apparently Halle wasn't satisfied with the three adult staff members of the program. After we got home, I checked her backpack and her homework was missing. When I questioned her about it, she responded 'I didn't want it.' I asked, 'Where is it?' and she replied 'I put it in the trash at school.' I have explained that the homework was not an optional activity. Last night I told her what a great kindergartener she was, and then went on to explain that I would not be able to stay with her Tuesday because I had to work. She indicated she did not want to go back to school, and that she would rather stay with Crystal. She started to cry, but calmed down when I started naming some of the kids who would really miss her. First thing this morning she did not want to go to school, but by the time she was dressed she seemed fine... I took her to school and waited until she had gotten breakfast and that's all I know. I'm really curious to see how day two went. I have about another hour till school gets out and I'm just dying to know.

"The Terrorist," written by Caroline B. Cooney

Dear Mr. Corman;

I am writing this letter urging the recall of the book "The Terrorist". I am not of Islamic faith but know many who are and find the stereotypes presented in this work to be inappropriate for middle-school children, whom I understand this book is marketed to. Children of this age have often have no experience with any faith outside their own. It would be a terrible shame for any child to have his or her first impression of Islam be such a negative one. This book gives the overall impression that all Muslim people are evil and that Islam is a corrupt and invalid religious institution. The following quote: "Islam. You thought that religion was a pact between youand God, but it wasn't...Men who hated women. Men who wanted women literally locked in their clothes and their homes." particularly disturbs me as my personal experience (having been in an inter-faith relationship with a Muslim) has led me to believe no such thing. I think that this book perpetrates the false belief that many cultural abuses of women in third world countries can be attributed to Islam. I suggest that you peruse the religious tolerance web-site ( http://www.religioustolerance.org/islam.htm ) and compare the book you have published with the facts about Islam and you can see for yourself the gross misconceptions the author and you, as the publishing company, are thrusting upon a captive audience of young and impressionable pre-teens.

Thank you in advance for your kind consideration.

More Kid-Speak

Last night I told Tyler that after his bath we would have a special treat... cheesecake (got started on calorie free thursday wednesday night...) so he got in the tub and wanted out less than five minutes later... by which time I was on the phone re: a new job opp... he's yelling for me to come wash his hair... I told him to hang on a few minutes and I'd be there. Apparently I wasn't fast enough... he got out of the tub and I heard him muttering... fine then, my hair will just have to stay dirty!

And Miss Halle has been chanting ba-ba for a few days and last night made the transition to da da!

Tyler-Speak

Last night I cooking corn tortillas for dinner... Tyler asked me "are we having tacos" and I said yes, and he said, "you're such a good feeder, mommie"...

I'm not sure if he thinks I'm a good cook or if he is just grateful that his sleep-deprived, absent-minded mommie remembered to actually plan something for dinner!

Also, last night he told me that I was going to die (what do they put on PBS these days?)... but that if I don't die, I won't... and that if I ever need anybody to save me, let him know...

jobs falling out of the sky

OOOH! I am feeling much love lately! Brian and I worked for Shell Vacations/Orange Tree - I left a little over a year ago, as did he. There was a huge stink with my boss (commonly referred to as the wicked bitch of the west). She basically made some very slanderous statements insinuating that he sexually harassed the female employees and cited several other admins/managers in the office and indicated I could expect to be next on his list and that she was going to take the issue to HR. Well he hadn't done anything to me but of course I was concerned - I asked one of the admins she mentioned (who was renowned around our office to be a straightforward say it like it is person) about it, and she said she didn't know what the hell my boss was talking about. Without going into much detail, I gave Brian a general idea what had been said to me. Donna wrote me up, and Brian took the issue to the Division VP, that Donna had no right to reprimand me for discussing a work related issue with him, because he was also a manager and I had the right to discuss any concerns I might have with him. Anyway, my reprimand was retracted and my boss was demoted as office manager! Y'all are probably wondering why the hell I'm telling you this, but that was all background info... I lost touch with Brian around April of last year and he got in touch with me over the weekend and asked if I'd be interested in joining his company as the Administrative manager for his department... and basically said that unless I'm making a million dollars a year he'll pay my asking price! woohoo!!! Anyway, I sent him an email with some questions... I’ll keep you posted.

Friday...

I think I forgot to mention I had some ~GREAT~ news on Monday! Tyler's dad called and said he absolutely can't wait until summer and that he'll be calling me with an itinerary for a visit in about a month. I think he's been getting a little pressure from his parents (specifically mom) not to take time off work yet. I am very happy, and have already approached Roro with him having his first weekend visit with Halle when Joel comes... I'll send my sister to her mother (for the weekend, and maybe longer) and I'll be heading somewhere... don't know where but maybe to visit Kath! Hopefully Joel will be willing to housesit (ok, the house doesn't really need watching but RaMie would probably appreciate being walked).

More on Roro... I talked with him in more detail about the fact he had the wrong back surgery... well, after I told him I didn't htink that surgery would help him, he got a 2nd opinion, and the 2nd surgeon said it was not the best surgery... so what did genius do? He let the first surgeon do it anyway! So I doubt we have grounds for a mal-practice lawsuit (LOL), but maybe we can award the first "Idiot of the Millenium" trophy... he went back to work on Wednesday and is working light duty, day shift, M-F... and he gave me some $$ last night, always happy when that happens :o)... it's not the full amount he usually gives me but after two months of getting nothing, every little bit is a lot!

Tyler has a new friend... named Jackson {where does he come up with these names? he named his doll Gus}... Jackson makes a mess in Tyler's room... but he does help clean up. Jackson is a dog... but a friendly dog. Jackson is "bigger than me"... and my sitter and I were talking to Tyler about jackson and she asked him where jackson was and he said... "in here {rubbing his tummy}... I'm going to the office for the doctor to take him out..."

Calgon? Please? Valium, anyone have some spare valium?

quick update...

I got Halle's ears peirced on Sunday! She was PISSED for about a minute and then she was fine, smiling and happy. I got her earrings with the diamond stone in the middle and pink stones all around so it looks like a flower. She looks so cute in them!

Both kids have colds, but only Tyler has pink eye... halle doesn't have it but I'm putting the drops in her eyes anyway just in case. Halle weighs 18lbs... Tyler weighs 31! I meant to check Tyler's chart to see what he weighed at 6 mos but I forgot to.

And surprise of all surprises... Roro didn't pick Halle up yesterday. I just knew that he would wait until it was a time where I wouldn't let him take her anyway, and sure enough he called at 8:15 knowing that I put her to bed at 9:00. I just started telling him about the doctor's appt and her ears and said that's all that's happened today... I didn't even bring up him picking her up (or not picking her up, as the case was)... but I'm sure he expected me to. I wish he would stop playing these games... but then what would I get my amusement from? it's all funny to me...

Thunder Perfect Mind

I am the first and the last
I am the honoured one and the scorned one
I am the whore and the holy one
Iam the wife and the virgin
I am the mother and the daughter
I am the barren oneand many are her sons
I am the mother of my father
and the sister of my husband
and he is my offspring
I am the silence that is incomprehensible
and the idea whose remembrance is frequent
and the word whose appearance is multiple
I am the utterance of my name
I am knowledge I am ignorance
I am shame I am boldness
I am shameless and am ashamed
I am strength I am fearGive heed to me
I am the one who is disgraced and the great one
I am she who does not keep festival
and she whose festivals are many
I am the wisdom of the Greeks
and the knowledge of the barbarians
I am the one whose image is great in Egypt
and the one who has no image among the barbarians
I am the one who has been hated everywhere
and who has been loved everywhere
I am the one whom they call Life
and you have called Death

Humpday again already?

I called Roro this afternoon and told him that I am not going to file against him in court. I told him that if he wants Halle's interest to be protected that he needs to go file... I would have to take at least half a day off work to go file and he is off work right now anyway, so it's not like he doesn't have the time. I also told him that I am not going to give him something to throw in my face later, because even though he was the one who wanted me to do it, you all know how he is. I told him that it's up to him to take responsiblity for his daughter, I can't make him do it and anything he gives will be up to him, I can't make him and I'm not going to ask the courts to make him. We also got into a discussion about him not giving me anything at all, and he said that he's broke and doesn't have anything to give me... I said I won't touch that... but he pressed it so I said, what about your cell phone? he said that's only $29, what would $29 do for you? I said, buy a case of diapers at sam's club which would last the baby almost a month, buy 3 cans of formula which would last two weeks... he said that if I needed formula or diapers I should have said so and he would get them... I said I shouldn't have to ask, you should just do it or at least offer or ask if I need anything. If you have an extra $29 it should go to your daughter before it goes to AT&T.

I am thinking I'm sending my sis back to my mom. I am tired of repeating myself, tired of $$ mysteriously disappearing, tired of everything...

Going to court... eeewwwww

UGH!!! I just got off the phone with Roro... and I was in such a good mood. He had his preliminary hearing with Sandy this morning, who downright stuttered over his box of receipts... :o) They have 30 days to work out a visitation/custody agreement, and then they go back to court and the judge will determine child support and/or custody if they haven't worked something out. In this 30 days Roro wants me to file against him for child support... {picture me stomping, kicking pulling hair, gnashing teeth. I do not want to go to court - DCSE does not live in my house and I don't want it involved in my life! We are all adults, dammit!} He also wants to Halle and Brianna's visitation with him to coincide so that they can be together as well. I told him that I think as long as he wants their visitations to be together, that is a conversation the three of us should have together. He agreed but said not now... I am sure that Sandy is pissed. The advisor told her that it would be in her best interest to work something out with Roro because the judge will not give her sole custody, that sole custody is usually only given when the parent is delinquent (a drunk, drug addict, abusive, etc). So he'll get joint, and she won't be able to cut Bri's hair, pierce her ears, move, change her phone number, without letting him know and getting his agreement. I doubt she's in the mood to discuss anything. Hopefully she'll CHILL THE F#CK OUT before this 30 days is up. Baby momma drama, y'all!

Weekend alone...

I went out Friday night (part of my efforts to move on). I had fun, was on pins & needles waiting for Roro to show up at the club but he didn't. I met a guy, Mark, who was very nice, gave me his phone number (and didn't ask for mine, 10 points, buddy!) and didn't grope me on the dance floor. Tree was there, however (Roro's BF) and I am surprised that he hasn't told Roro he saw me, and even more surprised that if he did, Roro hasn't said anything to me. And except for calling me Thursday wanting tickets, he hasn't called at any inappropriate times. Of course, I find it interesting that since I told him to leave me alone and that he needs to spend time w/Halle on his own he hasn't been by to pick her up. Saturday afternoon when he finally got in touch with me he wanted to know where we'd been, that he had wanted to come get her. Of course, he never called my cell phone, it just so happens I was two miles away from his house at the Chinese Cultural Festival and could have easily dropped her off. Same thing Sunday, he called in the afternoon while she was napping. He needs to get it through his head that he can't just wing through anymore. He needs to make reservations. Our time is valuable.

The Talk

My head is throbbing, my eyes are burning, my stomach is queasy and I overall feel like I’ve been hit by a truck. I am operating on barely three hours of sleep, and very restless sleep at that. Roro and I had the infamous talk last night. I started out by apologizing to him for saying that I didn’t need him and explained that I had said that to disabuse him of the notion that I was trying to trap him into a relationship or have a baby just to get money from him. I told him that I never meant to make him feel like he wasn’t important or that I didn’t want him to be around. Then he asked what else was on my mind, and I said I wish you would tell me what you want from me. He was quiet for a minute and said what do you want me to tell you… DUH! We started talking and he said that he wasn’t happy with himself and that he knew he couldn’t make anyone else happy and that he frequently took out his frustrations on others and that he couldn’t be in a relationship right now, he rambled a lot, and also said that he wasn’t just using me for sex and that he wasn’t trying to lead me on. I told him that I can understand that but if you can’t give me what I want (he interjects here… you’ll find someone else who will) and I said no, if you can’t give me what I want I need you to back off me. I said to him, we are not two strangers/acquaintances who are just hanging out and having sex, we'll never be able to go back to that casual kind of relationship. We have a baby and a history and I care a lot about you. I explained that there are two different kinds of relationships – a relationship where two people care about each other and are committed to each other and then there is the relationship where two people just fuck. He asked me what relationship I was in, and I said I am in a relationship with someone and we just fuck and that’s not the relationshp I want to be in. He said that he wouldn’t bother me that way anymore, and I asked him if he realized how many times he’s said that to me? I explained to him that he is really the only person I’m comfortable spending time with right now because Halle is so little and Tyler is so grown and my time is so limited, and that it was a very lonely time for me and that it was very hard for me to say no to him and that by putting me in that position, can’t he see that just by approaching me he is leading me on? And then I told him that I don’t want to have these kinds of feelings for you where I have nightmares about busting you cheating… and then we got into a discussion about this recurring nightmare I’ve been having ever since he came back from England where I walk into a room and catch him having sex w/another woman. He got defensive because he's never cheated and I got frustrated because he's not LISTENING to me or making any effort to understand how insecure I am in this situation, so I started listing all the things that he shouldn’t have done which escalated into him throwing out his “American women are never satisfied” and “if you want to go to court we can go to court” (I have NEVER in the 14mos of our parenting relationship said I wanted to go to court… but “all” American women do so we can if I want) and that all American women want is child support anyway. I threw in a few statements about him taking responsibility for himself and stop using the fact that he’s made some crummy choices in women as an excusefor everything that hasn't gone right for him and that he might want to wake up and realize that he didn’t live back home anymore. And of course once I started bringing up his mistakes he didn’t want to “talk about this shit anymore because it’s in the past”. I took a few deep breaths and said I knew that I’d brought this up before but that I really feel like it’s time for us to start separating Halle’s visitation… he asked me to explain and I said I think you should start spending time with her here at your house and not at mine. He said that’s a good idea. Then he said “anything else” and I asked him not to call my house after 10PM anymore and not to stop by without calling. He said fine, and I started to get up and leave and he throws out… don’t call me unless it’s an emergency. I said fine and kept going, and he added don’t call to tell me when she does something, only call if it’s an emergency. I said OK and left. I heard him open the door so I know he was watching me leave. I don’t know if he was expecting me to come running back, or probably thinking I’d break down in tears as soon as I got outside but I’ll be damned before giving him the satisfaction. I waited till I was pulling out of the parking lot ;o) Anyway, that was the talk and I am mourning now too. If he chooses to be unhappy with his life that’s fine, but I’m pretty happy with mine and I’m not going to let him drag me down with him. So now I have to find my DIVA self. But first things first I need to have a REALLY good cry. {sigh} I’ll just have to find the time.

Tiamat, Mummu and the formless creating Sea

Among the ancient cuneiform poems that have been discovered in the last century and a half, the Babylonian Creation Epic (dated about 2500 BCE) caused excitement among biblical commentators in our late nineteenth and early twentieth centuries. They were able to use this poem to show extraordinary similarities with the Genesis creation story. Today feminist theologians use it to review material that until recently has been overlooked or discounted. The creation myth, named the ‘Enuma Elish’ (When on high), like Genesis begins with an account of pre-creation.

When on high were not raised the heavens
And also below on earth a plant had not grown up
Alone there existed primordial Apsu, who engendered them
Only Mummu and Tiamat who brought them all forth
Their waters could mix together in a single stream
In the depths of their waters were the gods created.

There are references to ‘the chaos Tiamat’ who was ‘the producing mother of all of them’. She is referred to as a sea monster, a chaos monster and ‘the deep’. There is a Babylonian depiction of her as a dragon.

The Epic describes her story. Creation of the gods comes first, from her body; then there is dissension between them. Eventually her descendant Marduk with his various friends manages to kill her and tear her apart. He gives the various divisions of her body to his friends and each of these becomes master of some part of the universe created from Tiamat.

Whether Tiamat ‘alone’ created the world, or with the help of Mummu, an enigmatic figure – sometimes female sometimes male – and with Apsu, god of the sweet waters as engendering father, depends on the text. Mummu, whose name is related to the word for mother in almost all languages, appears to be an aspect of Tiamat described as a ‘chaos monster’. The primeval sea, her home, has been understood by numerous ancient writers to be the origin of life.

The concept of Tiamat as a dragon indicates a vision of totality, thus encompassing the four elements 0f a dragon is amphibian, living in both sea and on land; it breathes fire and air. The formless deep which is the body of Tiamat contains everything within it necessary for life – and she herself creates various forms and monsters during the battle with Marduk.

In addition to this totality – a wholeness without form – Tiamat is described as ‘holding the Tablets of Destiny’ which appear to symbolize supreme knowledge of the world and its future.

The Enuma Elish describes how the god Marduk assembles a force to overcome Tiamat and Mummu, in order to become lord of the universe and possess the Tablets. After a horrific battle he is successful. How he kills Tiamat and the way he disassembles the various parts of her body and builds the different areas of the universe from them have been widely commented upon, as has the possible relationship of Tiamat to the Hebrew Tehom (the ‘void’, Genesis 1:2), and the idea that she was an alternative source of creation which must, in the Hebrew bible, be shown to have been vanquished.

Until recently, there was a general consensus among scholars that the dismembering of the ‘chaos dragon’ brought about what Jacobsen (1946) called ‘the fundamentals of world order’. The separation of her various parts and labeling them, as areas of the world, and putting them under the dominion of various lords has, Jacobsen suggests, contributed to the orderly control of Nature. Today, this is no longer a unanimous view, owing to the reappraisal by female scholars. Mary Daly (1979) uncompromisingly names the Tiamat-Marduk story as a ‘sado-ritual syndrome enactment of goddess murder’. Ruby Rohrlich-Leavitt (1977), documenting the consolidation of the state into the hands of a male elite in Sumer during the fourth millennium BCE draws attention to the relevance of the murder of Tiamat and its methods to ways in which force and violence were used to enslave women of the period.

In fact, Tiamat stands out not, as Jacobsen believes, as a symbol of passivity and inaction, but of wholeness and totality. She is the creator goddess from whom all beings emerge, and further, she is the keeper of the tablets of destiny. The later Babylonian priest Berosus, naming her as the ‘woman Omoroka’, praises her as Mistress of Incantations and Mistress of the Moon. ‘The Coil of Tiamat’ is part of certain Kabbalistic doctrines, reflecting echoes of ancient mysteries. N K Sandars 91971) points out that the Babylonian hymns, whilst recounting Tiamat’s defeat, also intimate that she is never really destroyed. The Hymn of Praise exhorts Tiamat to ‘recede into the future…till time of old’. Durdin-Robertson (1975) reflects that the zoomorphic beings of Tiamat’s creation are probably considered to be prototypes of the present Western zodiac, and connect with the well-known Chaldean (Babylonian) skills of astrology and astronomy.

Thus Tiamat comes well within the definition of a Wisdom goddess; creator of the gods, possessor and keeper of the Tablets of Destiny, repository of magical and intellectual powers, and with even a hint of immortality. That she lives in, and is goddess off, salt water gives the idea of the sea as the source of life.

Excerpted from : In a Chariot Drawn by Lions, Wisdom Goddesses in the Ancient Near East, Ch. 6