Heart Failure, & other news

So for Valentine's Day, Daija gave me heart failure. I was fixing dinner, Halle was doing her chores and Tyler had been outside, and was coming in and out of the garage to get various toys. I should have known something was up when Daija wanted me to help her put her monkey back-pack on. While Tyler was in his room, and I was in the kitchen helping Halle with sweeping, Daija opened up the garage door. Now, this would normally be no big deal because she was just looking for Tyler and wouldn't have gone any further than where he was. But, Tyler wasn't outside and in the process of opening the door, Daija let Ramie out. Ramie does love to sneak outside for a little jaunt, and if you follow her she'll run for an hour but leave her alone, and she'll be back in 20 minutes... so Ramie took off for her cruise around the neighborhood. Daija followed her. So I'm still in the kitchen, and had just asked Tyler, who had come into the kitchen, where Daija was, when someone pounded on my door. The mailperson, recognizing Ramie from the backyard, asked me 'Do you have daughter?' I knew what was coming next... 'I just saw her following your dog.' Now, why the lady didn't take her hand and lead her in our direction I don't know. I took off running and caught up with Daija and Ramie who had crossed two or three neighborhood streets, nearly two blocks from the house. I asked, breathlessly, 'Daija, what are you doing?' and she calmly pointed at the dog 'Ramie go.' It took some doing, but I convinced her that Ramie would come back but I needed Daija to come home now. Thank God Ramie headed back into our housing development and not for Southern Avenue. I am kinda glad that I've gotten the lost child out of the way early this year. I shouldn't lose another one until 2006.

Oh, and I flubbed the tooth fairy duties. I forgot to leave money under Halle's pillow Monday night. Tuesday, I told her that because she lost her tooth so late in the evening (right before bed), the tooth fairy probably just couldn't get it on her schedule that quickly. Well, while Halle was brushing her teeth, Tyler shook some change out of his bank and left two nickels and seven pennies under her pillow, and then led her back in there to show her where it was. She came running into my room all aglow over her 17 cents (little does she know the going rate for a tooth is now a dollar). I was a little freaked out until I asked how she found the money and she told me 'Tyler showed me' My heart just welled up - I have never fessed up to him that any of the gift giving icons aren't real. It was so sweet to realize that he plays along not only when it comes to himself, but also to create the magic for his sister. Of course, he pocketed two quarters and tried walking very carefully so they wouldn't clink... hoping I'm sure to buy a soda or some candy at school. How very un-tooth-friendly of him!

So, updating on me... I'm good - time will have to tell on the meds, though. Now that I'm off the cough medicine with codeine, I'm coming to realize that at this dosage, Strattera makes me sleepy, occasionally dizzy, and slightly nauseous for several hours after I take it.... the other week I thought it was the cough medicine and/or antibiotics I was taking (I started that stuff the same week I started the 60mg). Wednesday night, I did what a lot of people do, and switched to taking them before bed instead of first thing in the morning. I'm going to have to see how that goes... but if the sleepiness continues in the daytime I'll have to try something else. I was literally asleep (well, dozing) at my desk for almost an hour yesterday, sitting straight up. I feel much better today, so we'll see. I'd really prefer to stay on Strattera if taking them at night does the trick; my only other options are stimulant meds and I can't get a controlled Rx refilled; I would have to go to the Dr. to get a new Rx every month. I already have to do that for Tyler and it's a PITA. And while the Strattera hasn't totally changed my life and made me super motivated to do 'boring' stuff at work, or house work at home, it has helped me be able to keep my attention focused a little better in 'low stimulant' situations (like sitting on a 20 minute conference call where I only need to participate in about 2 minutes of it throughout the call). I have noticed some other really positive side effects that I'm not sure I would get from a stimulant med, since Strattera has similar affects as an anti-depressant (this per the psychologist). One of the common traits of ADHD is people tend to miss social cues. I've come to realize that Ro makes dead pan comments that I used to get really irritated by, and now I realize he's joking so I rib him when he says this stuff that used to really bug me and it's taken some old tension out of our relationship. I've also realized that I have been unfair in the past in regards to him helping. Admittedly, I do think he should help more than he does, but at the same time, I had a tendency to discount anything he did do to help, because it wasn't the way I do it or it wasn't what I considered a priority or what I wanted done. For example, if I leave the bed unmade, that doesn't bother me. However, if he leaves the bed unmade, or makes the bed but the cover is uneven, or pulled to high up, that would bug me. And I would get my panties in a twist with a 'if you're not going to do it right don't do it at all attitude' and remake the bed. Now, I'm just happy that he makes the bed when he gets up after I do and I make sure I make the bed if he gets up first. I still notice when he makes it that the comforter isn't straight, and that the bed skirt is lopsided from him shoving the mattress, but it doesn't bug me and I don't feel a need to 'do it right' or comment on it not being right. I'm just glad he made the bed. And when he gets the kids fast food, I don't get my panties in a bunch because it's not the healthy food I'd prefer they eat or because I had planned something for dinner, I just recognize that he was trying to give me a break from cooking. And he's started checking with me to make sure I don't have something planned for dinner (another thing I'd get pissy about... I'd get home and the kids would have eaten greasy old burgers, and I'd have thawed meat that would go to waste).

I also bought a car last Friday, a 1994 Dodge Intrepid. I made the very difficult decision that I am going to turn the van into the finance company. I have a $360 a month payment, and spent another $2000 in car repairs last year, only $500 of which was covered by my service contract. I had someone check it out while Ro was visiting his family and I had his car for transportation... I have a bad knock sensor and O2 sensor in addition to the fact that the a/c has a wiring problem my mechanic says will probably get very expensive to troubleshoot and there is another electrical problem that no one can figure out; every time I accelerate all the lights in the van come on even though all the doors are securely shut. I only have about 10 thousand miles left on my service contract, and already I anticipate spending at least another thousand dollars in repairs, and that's just what I know of. God only knows what else will fall apart on this thing before I hit 100,000 miles. And the finance company won't defer a payment when I have a car repair (none of which have been less than $300), so I have to short my mortgage and then my mortgage shows late until I get it caught back up. I just can't afford what this van is doing to my budget, and I do not want to get tied up in another 4-6 year car loan... until Daija goes into kinder (in another 3.5 years). If it wasn't for the payment, I could afford car repairs and maintenance. I am getting a nice tax refund this year, and decided to try and find a vehicle from a private owner, preferably a nice retired person who had driven it gently! Ro suggested I start looking now and if I found something really good, he'd give me the money for it (he finally sold his house in December) and I could just give it back when my tax return arrives. So I started looking and it took a week (boy, those sun city 'senior driven' cars go FAST!), but I found this car, which is 11 years old but only had 64K. The couple that was selling it was recently retired and it wasn't being used, as they had another vehicle. Since they were selling their house and moving, they decided since it wasn't being used anyway they'd be better off selling it. It had been the wife's car, and for the seven years they'd lived in AZ, she'd worked only a mile from their house and really only used the car to go back and forth to work. The interior is immaculate except that the passenger air bag cover warped from the heat, the paint looks great, and Chris, my mechanic, checked it out and said it was in great shape except for a leaking compressor, which I'd probably need to replace in the next year or two. It was obvious the car had been really well taken care of and I'd already looked at two that Chris deemed mechanically unsound (thank God for him, I could have been taken for a ride so easily!!!), so I made an offer and we did the title transfer that day. I'm still trying to work out fitting all three kids in back; I can get all the car and booster seats in but the kid have a hard time buckling up... but I'm sure we'll figure it out. Technically, Tyler doesn't 'have' to use a booster anymore but I really prefer that he does, I don't like the way the seatbelt fits him without it. I'm going to look into getting the front airbag disabled; then he could use his booster in the front seat.

A BIG FIRST!!!

OK, I know I've been quiet for a while but I caught a really bad case of bronchitis that kept me out of work for a week, and I (and the house) are still recovering from me being flat on my back for a week.

But, the exciting news that brings me here... Halle lost her first tooth! She had three total loose, two on bottom, one on top. One on the bottom was barely hanging in there, so I asked if I could pull it. She said yes, I gave it a teensy tug, and out it came. How exciting... Tyler's first tooth (and his second) just fell out of his mouth, neither of us ever knew it was loose. Halle has been savoring this right of passage for about two weeks now.

I think I'm going to sprinkle Halle with a little sparkly powder tonight so she'll wake up with a kiss from the tooth fairy :)

Another Tyler Brag

Well, here's a short post for a change. Tyler brought home his 8th consecutive perfect attendance award for last quarter, and also an award for making the Silver Honor Roll.

Rapping at the speed of sound...

Well, due to popular demand I pulled out Tyler's space book and got him to tell me what he had about to say. First of all, there was a typo in my other post... the paragraph should have read, the shuttle can travel much faster than the speed of sound.

So Tyler's question was... if you were the fastest rapper in the galaxy, would the shuttle get to outer space before you could say even one word. So we talked a little bit about the speed of sound... and we determined, that if the shuttle took off at the same time the fastest rapper in the galaxy started to rap, the shuttle would get to space, much faster than the sound of the rapper's voice. At least, I think that's how it works.

It really sucks to have a kid smarter than you are.

After I got home last night and got the girls in bed, I asked Tyler if he'd read any of the 'How to Become an Astronaut 101' articles I'd given him. He said, yeah... I learned a bunch of stuff I didn't know. I showed him some of the stuff I printed about the Civil Air Patrol, and had him read it, then asked him, do you think that's something you'd like to do? And he looked at me and said

I am going to do that.

And we talked a little bit about how it is soooo hard to become an astronaut... so he will have to work very hard starting now, but that even if he can't be an astronaut, there are still lots of other jobs he could do at NASA. He thought I meant he had to get a job now. I told him, no... that means you have to work hard in math and science. And you have to be a certain height (he cried, OH NO, I said don't worry... it's not really tall and he sighed, Oh, good!), so you have to eat right so your body has fuel to grow. You have to make sure you never ever do drugs, because drugs can hurt your body so badly. He brings up that, drugs are medicine.

So then we get into this discussion about legal and illegal drugs. There are prescription drugs that you get from a doctor that you need to help your body, but there are other drugs that are not legal, and it's not legal to take Rx drugs that are not yours. I remind him that some drugs are so dangerous that you can die the very first time you take them. I told him that I'd never done any drugs, so I knew he could NOT do drugs too. I told him how a lot of poeple I went to school with did drugs. He wanted to know how old... I said 13 or 14. He was puzzled, then said... '13 is too young to do drugs. They should have waited until they were 20... or maybe 30.' I was laughing on the inside, but I told him it was not good to do drugs no matter how old you are, but I agreed that 13 was definitely way too young.

Then we started talking about marijuana... I told him that pot kills brain cells so every time you smoke marijuana, you get dumber. I told him that one of the girls I went to school with smoked a lot of marijuana, and she didn't graduate from high school... didn't even finish 9th grade, and now she works at a gas station... and that she wouldn't even be able to get a job mopping floors at NASA.

THEN... Tyler says, 'so that's what nana does, right?' So then I needed to explain the difference in tobacco cigarettes and marijuana cigarettes... one gives you lung cancer, and the other is bad for your lungs, AND it makes you stupid. I am so bad... I'm gonna scar this kid, I swear.

So then he wants to know about other drugs, so I told him about a few, including street names. Now he wants to know what they look like, so he can stay away from them. I told him, we'll work on learning how to recognize them, but you remember these five things and you will be fine...

1. Never EVER take a pill from a friend, even if they say it's just aspirin. Don't swallow any pills unless me, Ro, your dad, or a school nurse gives them to you.
2. Never EVER smoke anything. Smoking is always bad for your lungs, and you never know what other drugs might be crushed inside.
3. Never EVER snort any kind of powder.
4. Never EVER put a needle in your arm.
5. Never EVER breathe in any chemicals.

I think it was the water...

regarding my post on testosterone poisoning... Phoenix had a problem with potable water and there was a ban on using it for consumption all day yesterday and most of today... and I think that might have been the problem. I wonder if he got some bad water before we heard about it. They cleared the water for drinking today. Tonight, Ro kept the kids while I went to Site Council and PTSO meetings at the school for two hours. While I was gone, he fed the kids the burgers I brought, made himself something to eat, cleaned up after the kids, took the diapers I bought and put them all in the basket where I keep the diapers, and gave the kids a snack. He left the house not too long after I got home, but before he went he put his leftover food in the fridge and told me to leave the pan; he'd take care of it.

Careers in Space...

Well, the goal of being an astronaut is kinda like wanting to be a professional basketball player... The number of people who make it that far is very very small. I had read, on one of my 2E lists, where one parent told another that if her son really wanted to work for NASA, not to ever give him meds for ADHD, because that would disqualify him from entry into the program. I've heard the same thing about military service. If I hadn't read that, I probably would have thought Wow, Tyler... that's a great goal. Good for you. And left it at that. So when I started looking at the requirements to see what it said about ADHD and if what I'd heard was fact or rumor, I saw the flight hours required to be considered for the space program. It's a lot and would be very difficult to accomplish as a civilian... the easiest way to get the hours is to be either a commercial or military pilot. Now, Tyler has been interested in space for a while, and his 2nd grade teacher made a comment last year to tell me to make sure he takes AP math classes and that she thinks he should work in the space program, perhaps as an engineer. So I'd already looked into the fact that the high school that is our 'home' school has an aviation and aerospace magnate. I contacted them yesterday and asked them to send me a brochure.

So, if you don't already think I've gone over the top, you will now that I tell you that I've not only emailed the high school, I've also emailed NASA, and the US Coast Guard. I've discovered that Embry-Riddle Aeronautical University has a campus in Prescott AZ, and that UofA is one of the consortium schools NASA gives grants to. Scouting is strongly recommended, but I just don't think I can do boy scouts so I've discovered that the Civil Air Patrol (which is thru the air force) has a cadet program that focuses on and volunteer work and aerospace education opportunities, and Tyler can join that at 12. I've probably printed a ream of paper for him to start reading... not all at once of course, but bit by bit, so that he can have an idea of the work involved if he really wants to do this.

The way I figure it, there is NOTHING that he would do to try and get into the space program that would be a waste of his time or that wouldn't be of use to him whatever his career choice. My plan is to encourage him to do all the things he would need to do, because frankly, you really have to start preparing for a career in space in grade school, starting the with basics of science and math. If worse comes to worse, he just finds a job working for NASA but isn't in the space program, that's still fantastic and that will still make him very happy. In the meantime, I can hold onto the hope that he'll be busy enough preparing for this career that he'll stay out of a lot of the trouble that appeals to boys... especially ADHD boys.

Testosterone Poisoning...

Roro had testosterone poisoning last night. It involved a video game. 8 hours worth. It just made for a very long, angry night. He's been in a funk ever since he came back from England, which is a pretty normal 'cycle' for him... but it's not what I want to be dealing with right now.

Anyway, he started playing this game last night at about 5PM. I asked him probably half a dozen times to get Daija out of my way while I made dinner. And he has this appt with immigration tomorrow. We talked while he was in England about this letter I was going to help him with. Well, either he wasn't home or neither he nor I would think of it when he was. We were supposed to get it out of the way last night. So in about hour three of the video game, I go in and say, 'I have this list of 8 things that need to be done. If you want my help with this letter, tell me what you can take care of.' Without missing a keystroke, he says, 'Don’t worry about the letter' and continues to play the game. I get the kids in bed, and go into the room to get my shoes (I need dryer sheets) and he says to me, 'if you're going to the store, go now'. I lost my patience then and asked him if he minded if I didn't go barefoot. Then while I'm at Safeway, he calls me and asks me to get honey. I told him I wouldn't buy honey to save him from starving and hung up. And can you believe when I got home he was upset that I hung up on him? He never said anything about the honey I didn't buy. Oh, and btw, he didn't turn off that game until 1AM… and I know this because he was playing it right next to me in the bed. Well, he was lying in the bedroom watching cartoons with Daija when I got home... that's where he was at 5 when he started playing, that's where he STILL was at 10 when I crawled in bed. Couldn’t move and miss a keystroke. It actually didn't keep me awake; I just woke up when he started his usual 'I can't get comfortable' side-to-side toss. The fact that 5PM to 1AM is 8 hours pissed me off.

Tonight, he offered to buy pizza (which I took him up on when I discovered my hamburger was still frozen) and although he was glued to a basketball game, he did keep Daija out of the way... even changed her diaper without prompting. However, at about 7 he fell asleep, which he is still doing now.

Can You Hear a Shout in Space?

Tyler was reading this book last week called 'Can You Hear a Shout in Space' and there was this section that talked about the speed of sound... and Tyler got this intense look on his face, and said 'So if you were the FASTEST rapper on the planet...' and then the poor kid saw me biting my lip to keep a straight face and said 'never mind...' I really wish I knew what he had been about to say. A night or two later he was reading this part about astronauts and it was talking about who can become and astronaut. I walked into his room to check on him, and he told me that his new motto is' Less playing, more learning', and went back to that page and had me read it. I didn't have the heart to tell him that he can probably work for NASA if he works hard enough, but his condition and meds will probably make being an astronaut unlikely.

I consider ADHD a neurological disorder, but a lot of people lump it with depression, bipolar, and other mood disorders... not sure what NASA does. And depending on how you read the requirements, ADHD could easily fall into a category that could be excluded... for example, while it doesn't spell out ADHD, the section on psychosis does say...

(i) The individual has manifested delusions, hallucinations, grossly bizarre or
disorganized behavior, or other commonly accepted symptoms of this condition; or
(ii) The individual may reasonably be expected to manifest delusions,
hallucinations, grossly bizarre or disorganized behavior, or other commonly
accepted symptoms of this condition.

and under the neurological portion, it says:

(b) No other seizure disorder, disturbance of consciousness, or neurological
condition that the Federal Air Surgeon, based on the case history and
appropriate, qualified medical judgment relating to the condition involved,
finds--
(1) Makes the person unable to safely perform the duties or exercise
the privileges of the airman certificate applied for or held; or
(2) May reasonably be expected, for the maximum duration of the airman medical
certificate applied for or held, to make the person unable to perform those
duties or exercise those privileges.

Someone who is unable to focus their attention or control their impulses can pose a safety risk to others, so even though this really sucks for my kid, I can see the logic behind it. I.E., research has shown that people with ADHD have more car accidents; There are quite a few parents on my 2E list who have teenagers who are a risk to themselves and other behind the wheel of a car, or who were able to get through school w/o meds but need them to drive safely. I'm just not sure if someone taking meds to control it are OK... or if the drugs taken are a problem as well. And I'm not sure how far back this stuff is looked at... but the impression I got is, it counts. I'm just having a hard time confirming anything that spells out what ADHD is considered in the framework of their requirements. I imagine I'm just going to have to email NASA to find out.

What a morning!!!

OK, so Ro was planning on keeping Daija at home this week. Last night he says to me, he wants to go to car dealership in the AM to see about trading in the Escalade, so can I take Daija to the sitter in the AM? I say sure. So this morning, I oversleep. Wake up about five minutes after I usually leave the house. Not too terrible, I can rush and get to work without being too terribly late. Until I remember, that I do not have the option of skipping breakfast, as I need to take my Strattera and since it made Tyler puke if he had it before eating I don't want to take any chances on that count. OK... that puts a minor kink in the works, but we're all still doing pretty good time wise. But at 7:30, the doorbell rings. Who would be ringing my bell at 7:30 you may wonder? The countertop people, who I scheduled to come this week assuming Ro would be at the house, but forgot to mention to him, and of course who never crossed my mind last night. So I had to hang out while they ripped out my sink and countertops to take totheir shop to refinish/laminate. Fantastic. Didn't leave the house till 7:55, which meant I had to go to the kids school, which is only five miles from work, first so they don't miss breakfast/aren't late to class and then backtrack two miles the other side of my house to drop off Daija... oh and pick up my lunch which I forgot. All the while stressing about these countertop people who will need to come back to the house to reinstall, and then of course a plumber has to come put my sink back in. ARGH. Fortunately, I got in touch with Ro and he was able to meet them at the house and wait for the plumber, which helped, but I was over an hour late for work.

Strattera: Day 3

So on day three of my initial dose (there are three doses to start with to get you to what the minimal optimal dosage should be; it's a gradual buildup and you are to take each one for 4-7 days. I think I'm going to be conservative and take each dose for the full seven days). I don't feel 'different' like I did yesterday and Monday, I think I am 'adjusting' to the dosage I'm taking this week, but that may also have been some caffeine withdrawal, since I had to cut back the caffeine to avoid it interfering with the effectivity of the Strattera. Not a lot that I said to Dr. Thomas seemed to shock him, until I divulged how much diet coke I drink. I think the last few days I've probably had no more than 1/3 of what I usually drink. Finding that lime flavored water is really saving my behind... drinking the bubbles kinda gets me over the craving. I also usually walk down to the cafeteria to get ice for it, which takes care of the times I would go get a drink or snack just to walk away from my desk for a few minutes.

And, I'm on my call as I type this and I have thus managed to respond to two inquiries without being prompted a coupla times :)

Psychiatrist Visit

I saw Dr. Thomas yesterday and talked to him about the problems I'm having as well as the behaviors that made me hit so high on OCD; basically, the behaviors that appear OCD aren't so much that I'm afraid something bad will happen if I don't do certain things, it's more behaviors I've adapted to compensate for the ADD (for example, I am constantly checking for my keys, I can't close my car door unless my keys are in my hand, I can't walk away from my desk unless my keys are in my hand, I go to wash dishes and notice that the garbage disposal switch is dirty, so then I need to clean all the light plates in the house because if I don't do it NOW it won't get done... then I notice the wall around the light plate is dirty, I wash that too... then I notice the door jams and the doors are dirty... now all my light plates, walls, doors are clean but I'm exhausted and there are still no clean dishes). I told him about how it seems like the more the kids need of me, the less able I am to handle the household and perform adequately at work... and that I'd like to take the next step in my department, but I am really concerned that I won't be able to do the job adequately because of the nature of the job. He feels that I'm definitely doing everything he would suggest to someone with my condition/in my situation. He gave me some Strattera samples to try, which I started yesterday. They take a while to build up, unlike stimulant meds, but I definitely feel different... I can't exactly describe how. But for the first time in I can't remember how long, I was able to keep up with my morning meeting and not have my named called twice every time one of my requirements came up in the report. I wasn't focused on the meeting completely; I was reading the paper online like I usually do, but I was still able to keep part of my mind focused enough on what was going on in the meeting to be prepared when they needed my updates on certain parts.

Quotable Quote

"Why should any of us be confined within a single area of religious culture? When I read Amos and Jeremiah, I say 'Would to God I were a Jew.' When I read the Parable of the Good Samaritan, I say 'Would I were a Galilean.' When I read the 13th of 1st Corinthians, I wish with all my heart that I might be a Christian after the manner of the Apostle Paul. When I think of Buddha and his Eightfold Path, I say, 'I, too, would be a Buddhist.' And when I remember the trial of Socrates, I say in awe but with exalted spirit, 'Oh that I might be so brave a humanist.' And thus at the end, there is nothing I can say but that, like Emerson and Channing, I want to live with the privilege of the illimitable mind."

-- A. Powell Davies

Kid-Speak: This is backwards & other news

My little princess was cracking me up the other day. She was trying to tell me something and apparentl forgot the word 'yesterday' Halle: Mommy, do you remember... that day. The other day. Not today. Then in frustration, with wild hand gestures to indicate a reverse in time, she says 'not THIS day... this is backwards' It was just so funny to see her searching for the right word.

And then Daija just threw me for a LOOP before dinner tonight. The table was mostly set, and I asked the kids to grab cups and napkins while I changed out of my work clothes. I'm just finishing and Halle comes in to tell me that Daija poured milk in her cup and spilled some. Visions of a gallon of milk on the already semi-sticky floor prance in my head. As I walk into the kitchen, I say, 'You guys can't leave the milk down here where she can get it', releived that there is only a fist sized puddle of milk on the table bench. Halle says, 'We didn't leave it there... she got it herself.' THAT'S RIGHT! Daija, my 2 years and three week old munchkin, got herself a cup, got out a GALLON JUG (3/4 empty) of milk, and poured herself a glass, 3/4 full, and only spilled that little bit. I turned to go grab a towel, and see this same little munchkin pulling the step stool out from under the sink, and as she steps on to it (looking, I assume, for the dishcloth), she comments to me, 'Mama, mess.' I got the dishcloth for her and she took it and wiped up every drop. Isn't she amazing?

And news on my little man... he got his report card home today (wonder where Halle's is?) and He his grades are all 1/2's (a/b's) in the sections he gets graded work, and almost all S's in the other areas (PE, Music, Library, citizenship, etc), with the exception of Art, where he got an E for excellent and 'works to complete tasks', where he got an I (a C equivalent). His teacher wrote a not that he had done very well this quarter and that she hoped her maternity leave wouldn't be too big of a change for him. My heart was truly warmed by that, as well as the follow up conversation she and I had after the incident last week.

Oh, and I finally found all the paperwork I needed for that packet for the AZ Child Study Center, so I can drop that off hopefully tomorrow and get on their schedule for last this spring or early summer.

So, the results are in...

Is it a bad sign when, at the end of your first session with a therapist, if he turns to you and says,

I'm going to recommend that you see a good psychiatrist.

With emphasis on the word good. Like a regular old, run of the mill, average skill psychiatrist just couldn't help me.

All smart comments aside... I'm showing moderate signs of depression, which probably isn't surprising. I show most of the DSM signs of ADD, which is what I think the problem is. But the thing that hit me clear out of the blue, is that on the behavoiral symptoms index I filled out, my ratings for obessive compulsive order are 16... anything 7 or under is considered normal. I commented to him, 'I'd expect my house to be a lot cleaner if I had OCD.'

So he thinks I need someone really sharp to make a differentiating diagnosis. I think I've been trying to hard to manage ADD that I probably appear really OCD.

Nana Update

Got a call from my mom... my nana is home. I still don't have any details about anything than I did before, which is frustrating, but I'm really happy she's home.

'Uh oh, Mama knock!'

Today I put about 15 boxes of varying sizes on the front porch for a charity pick up. The kids were playing outside while I was moving the boxes from the garage to the porch. Tyler and Halle went inside before I was done, and Daija stuck around with me. I was just rearranging the things in the garage and she was going in and out of the garage door. Just as I was closing the garage, I thought I heard a click. Sure enough, Daija had locked it. I could hear her trying to unlock it and tugging on the door, trying to get it to open. After a few seconds I realized I might be waiting for a while, so I knocked. Then I heard her cute little voice

"Uh oh, Mama knock!"

Unfortunately, the kids were in the back and Crystal had her headphones on. I knocked louder, and I heard the pitter patter of Daija's little feet running. She ran to Crystal, and tugged on her pants and pointed to the back door. Crystal asked her 'what?' and Daija tugged her again. That's when she finally heard the knocking. I hear Daija's litle feet running back to the door, and her breathless "Mama!"

Thank goodness Daija loves me... I might have been out there for a LONG time otherwise!

REAL FEET!!!

OK, of all the things I could be really stoked about, Mattel is making a Barbie™ with REAL FEET. As in, a size proportionate to a real person. With normal arches. And toes. You don’t believe me? Check out the Cali Girl™ Friends. It gets better. It may be my imagination or some wishful thinking, but Cali Girl’s hips seem a little wider than Barbie’s. And her chest… a tad smaller. Her thighs are still anorexic, but overall, the body shape is an improvement. And the very bestest, bestest part? They’re starting to make the dolls so that they look like there is actually some racial and ethnic diversity. Christie, the ‘Black Barbie’, actually has curly textured hair. Summer, who could be a number of ethnicities with her caramel tan, also has curly (not wavy) hair. I think I just rediscovered my childhood passion!

The kids had gift certificates for Target and Wal-Mart and I think I have the three happiest kids on earth tonight. Tyler and Halle especially loved picking our their own stuff!!! Mattel made a killing off Halle. She started off with the Christie Cali Girl and a My Little Pony toy set. She and I were so enchanted with Christie’s curly hair and painted toenails that when we went to Wal-Mart, she passed right by the dreaded Bratz section. First time in over a year she hasn’t begged me for a doll. She picked out the Barbie Cali Girl® (who unfortunately does have the feet that look like they were bound and then stuffed into nine inch high heels and left there for the last five decades) and the 4x4 Beach Car®. We also got the Riding Club Summer® and Lea® dolls. She’s been playing with them all night. Daija loved Halle’s My Little Pony so much that I got her a Cabbage Patch Pony. She also got two sets of ‘fake food’ and a set of dishes. She’s fed her dolls everything from grapes to hot dogs to cookies. She also got a Bear in the Big Blue House DVD that has several shows on using the toilet… I put that on continuous play as soon as we got home. Tyler picked out a set of Spy Vision Goggles, and of course with his larger gift cert, he headed straight for electronics. Picked up some batteries for the goggles, a set of ear buds, and Tak 2: The Staff of Dreams®, which seems like a pretty cool game. I tried to access a really detailed description since the one on the box was pretty sketchy and I like to know what exactly he’s doing… but I got blocked by my own firewall!!!

Nana Update

Finally, I have an update! My grandmother has emphysema, which we knew. She started breathing better as soon as they got her on oxygen; my mom said something about keeping an oxygen tank with her. I don't know if that was actually a suggestion from her doctor or my mother just thinking it sounds like a good idea. Her blood pressure is a little high, as is her cholesterol. There is also fat in her liver. She likes to go out every morning for coffee and breakfast at 'home style' restaurants... Denny's, Coco's, or any similar greasy spoon Mom & Pop joint. She frequently eats lunch at the same kind of place. I've been griping at her about it for years. So that's finally catching up with her. Now, the dark spot on the CT scan - it's not on her lung, as they thought, it's an aneurism on her right aorta. She also has an irregular heartbeat. I'm not sure if this is new, or if she just didn't tell anyone. They have her on a new med for the irregular beat and back on a blood thinner again. She'll need to see her primary doc every three-six months to have that aneurism monitored.

No details on why they want to ultrasound her stomach, but I think it may have something to do with the fact that she had a major intestinal blockage not long ago (she was hospitalized for that too). She's stubborn as anything so I don't imagine she's done much to improve her diet since that little escapade.

Oooh, DRAMA.

There was a little drama in Tyler's class today. Apparently one of the children, J., told Ms. Librarian to shut up. I was floored to hear that. But that's just where the drama started. Apparently two of the girls, afterwards, were making a list of the 'bad kids' for Ms. Teacher (they had a sub), and included J's name. J. went to erase his name and T., who Tyler lists as a 'best friend' said something to him, and apparently J. pushed her. Mr. Substitute witnessed this, and apparently J. ran out of the classroom but came right back. When J. came back, Tyler, who tends to be overprotective when it comes to girls, he told J. that he was going to tell on him. J. flipped him off and called him a f***er. Tyler then proceeded to write a note to Mrs. Teacher.

Dear Ms. Teacher,
J. pushed T.! He ran out of the classroom! He said fuk to me! He told Ms. Librarian to shut up to! If you give him refurl, I would be so thankful!

Your student,

Tyler

I am just more floored by the minute. I'm trying to peice this all together and Ms. Librarian heard what J. said. Mr. Substitute saw what J. did. While what J. did both in the library and the classroom was very wrong, Tyler inflamed the situation and diverted some wrath to himself. Tyler tends to be sensitive, but apparently no one came to his defense when J. made the rude comment; they just all made the 'ooooh' sound, but not 'oooh', like J. did something bad, 'oooh ' like 'he told you'. I tried to explain to Tyler that while J. was definitely in the wrong, and it was good of Tyler to want to stand up for T., there is a difference between telling and tattling. The grown ups in charge already were handling the situation, and to threaten to tell on J. when he was already upset, was not necessary. It would be appropriate for him to have told the adult in charge if no one saw J. push T., but that since the adults already had J.'s actions under control, Tyler has no reason to get involved, as the staff will surely let Mrs. Teacher know what happened. We discussed how J. is normally a pretty nice kid who(as far as Tyler knows) has never been in trouble, never picked on anybody, never called anybody a name. We talked about how everyone has bad days and some examples of mistakes he's made when he was upset or angry. I asked him, how he would feel if he was having a really terrible day and made a BIG mistake that he was probably going to get into a lot of trouble for. Then I asked him how he would feel, in that situation, if someone he thought of as a friend, or at least had never had any problems with, was going to rat him out on top of that, even though he was already in a lot of trouble. I explained that threatening to tell on him at that point was totally unnecessary and very unkind. It's obvious he didn't understand that his actions weren't going to help the situation in any way shape or form; he seemed to think he was doing all the adults around him a favor by breaking it down for them. We talked about giving Mrs. Teacher the note as written. I told him he did not need to tell Mrs. Teacher about the library incident or the shoving. Neither happened to him, and the adults in charge already handled it. He still wanted to tell her about what J. said to him since Mr. Substitute hadn't heard that, and I asked him if he also planned to tell Mrs. Teacher about what he had done, that led to J. making the rude gesture and calling him a bad name. Tyler had been so full of righteous indignation, and he just cried. He told me that he feels like what everybody says he is (stupid, which is a whole 'notha story) and that he wishes he wasn't born. It broke my heart; I hate to see him hurting and I know he is probably feeling as out of step socially as I did (and still do half the time). I don't know if there was a better way I could have explained this to him. I asked him, if you write another note to Mrs. Teacher, do you think that it will make things better between you and J.? And he said no. I asked him if he wrote this letter to Mrs. Teacher, what did he want her to do with it? And he said 'nothing, really.' I asked him, 'Do you think J. should be in any more trouble than he already is?' and Tyler said no. I asked, 'Do you want J. to be punished for it?' and Tyler said 'Not really.' I told him that I thought the best thing for him, and for his friendship with J., would be to say, 'I'm sorry I said I was going to tell on you, and it really upset me when you called me a bad name.' Tyler said J. wouldn't listen. Apparently at some point J. apologized to T. for pushing her, but Tyler informed him that HE would not accept J.'s apology. I asked T. if maybe he just wanted to let it go and forgive it, even if J. didn't want to talk it out, since we know that J. is normally a pretty good kid who he has never had a problem with, and he said that's what he wanted to do.

I'm hoping he's feeling better about this now but I am still very worried.

Mojo, please.

Y'all know I don't ask for the good stuff real often, but if you can send something up to my Nana it would mean the world to me. My mom called this morning to tell me Steve (her husband) took my nana to the ER around 3AM this morning because either she couldn't breathe, or was having trouble breathing. There was a dark spot on her lung in one of the X-rays and they're sending her for a CT scan. I don't have a whole lot of details other than that; my mom is actually on the road right now so I'm getting third hand info from her.

I know it could be a lot of things... scar tissue from TB if she ever had that or maybe something left over from when she had pneumonia... but she's smoked for thirty or forty years now and is in her late 70's, so even if it wasn't something so terrible as lung cancer, at her age, anything can get serious real quickly. So whatever it is you do (hands and knees prayer, healing meditations, get nekkid and dance around a candle, you know, whatever)... think of her while you're doing it. I'd probably be a high school drop out living in a trailer park in kansas with seven kids on welfare right now if it wasn't for my nana.