It's parents' job to set boundaries

It's parents' job to set boundaries
Sept. 6, 2005 12:00 AM
With three teenagers in the household, I qualify to talk on teen curfew issues. I welcome police enforcement of teen curfews outside the movie venues at Chandler Fashion Center and Ahwatukee's AMC 24, especially since many of these kids are young - as in seventh and eighth grades.

But police enforcement is a non-issue for our family. We've always set curfews and not allowed our kids to just "hang out."

About two years ago, my daughter, then age 12, was invited to "hang out" at the Chandler mall with some new friends. "Please, Mom, my friend has a cellphone. We'll be f-i-i-i-i-ne."

Sorry. In my book, 12-year-old girls just hanging out at the mall is an invitation for trouble. No matter what kids that age may think, their judgment is not refined yet.

Oddly, when I called the other girl's mother to explain that my daughter wasn't allowed at the mall without an adult, the mother seemed surprised. She saw nothing wrong with the practice and had been allowing her daughter to do so for some time. My daughter pouted and complained, but she learned.

As teenagers and as adults, we are known by the company we keep. And my teens, whether by personality or necessity, are drawn to friends whose parents also prohibit "hanging out" to just hang out. If they do go to the movies or an event, I know the name of the movie/event, the start time and the end time. And if they're going to someone else's house, we parents all agree to talk and verify plans so both sides know what's going on.

Similarly, we rarely visit the movies at night, and especially not on Friday and Saturday nights. Matinees or late afternoon shows offer better pricing, and few movies these days are worth $9. But even without a price differential, we shun the AMC 24 in Ahwatukee on weekend evenings to avoid walking through the often smoky teen (and sadly, preteen) gantlet.

Having a 17-year-old son raises different issues. With teens driving, the issues are not "hanging out" but who's driving whose car.

But I did get him a cellphone. There comes a time when I may not always know where he is, and I have to trust that after 17 years his sense of right and wrong is intact. He is, after all, only one year from being an adult and teen years are transition years for ever-increasing responsibility and freedom.

Perhaps what bothers me most is parents and teens who decry the lack of entertainment options, as if hanging out in front of a movie theater or at the mall is the only social option. Some of the most fun people I've met in life grew up in small towns where you learn to make your own fun. And I think this is where other parents need to stay more involved with teens and offer to host parties, events or game nights that allow teens to get together for fun. Teenagers are really fun, interesting people if you take time to talk with them.

Parenting isn't easy, but it's a parent's job to set boundaries, and a child's job to test those boundaries. Setting a reasonable curfew and safe guidelines for how teens spend their free time is a parent's job. Police enforcement should be a last resort.

But perhaps parents will begin to get the message if curfew times are reiterated and enforced.

Katrina Shawver of Ahwatukee is a writer and mother of three. She can be reached at casadeletters@ yahoo.com.

One nation (not always), under God (since 1954)

One nation (not always), under God (since 1954)
Sept. 15, 2005 12:00 AM
We get so fixated on which version of the Pledge of Allegiance that we want to strong-arm children into reciting that every time the argument over its wording winds up in court, we blow our chance to teach kids everything they need to know about America.

The Bubble Gum Garden

Mission Control

A Gentle, Angry People

Pastoral Letter from the Rev. William G. Sinkford President, Unitarian Universalist Association

A Gentle, Angry People

(Tuesday afternoon, September 6, 2005)

I am so angry. I've had to stop watching coverage of the disaster along our Gulf Coast. The statements from our political and military leaders that we have "turned the corner," that we have a unified disaster command with "perfect coordination," in response to this "natural disaster" are more than I can bear. I cannot watch one more press conference with congratulations for the "heck of a job" FEMA and the military have done.

Natural disaster? Katrina was certainly a force of nature, although there is substantial evidence that the global warming so many deny increased the fury of the storm. But we cannot lay responsibility for our response at the feet of Mother Nature.

Perfect coordination? I shudder to think that our nation's delayed and inadequate response to the suffering left in Katrina's wake might be proudly claimed as a plan.

I am fighting not to sink into paranoia, though as a person of color I have a lifetime of experience which would provide ample justification.

These last days have provided a picture of what racism and classism and privilege look like. Racism is not about individual prejudice. Classism is not about individual poverty. And privilege is so often allowed to be invisible.

I am so angry. Look at New Orleans.

Tens of thousands of American citizens, almost all of them poor and Black, living in unimaginable conditions with no food and water, waited for days while evacuation buses passed them by to pick up tourists from luxury hotels.

Citizens in devastated small towns on the Gulf Coast are still without evacuation or adequate supplies.

New Orleans was too "dangerous" for the small number of National Guard troops available to enter the city. How much of that perceived "danger" had to do with the color of the citizen's skins? Why were food and water not brought in by helicopter? Did relief have to wait 5 days? How long would it have taken the people in the Superdome and the Convention Center to receive assistance if they had been middle-class White Americans?

Isn't it deception to say that this disaster was a surprise when government reports have predicted it for decades? These reports predicted that the poor, Black neighborhoods in the lowest lying areas of the city would be the most devastated. Funds for the Iraq occupation took precedence.

Why were there so few National Guard or regular Army troops available for the relief effort? Can we believe that the deployment of Guard units to contain resistance to our occupation of Iraq had no impact on our response? Our national priorities are clear.

The media is far from blameless. Why were Blacks described as looters and Whites described as "searching for food." Where were the images of white New Orleans police officers "searching for food" as they carried off wide-screen TV's.

Local leaders share the blame as well. What was the meaning of "mandatory evacuation" from New Orleans when so many Black and low income citizens had no means to leave the city? At the end of the month, people living from pay-check to pay-check do not have money for gas, if they have a car, nor money to stay in a hotel for days. Where were the school buses to take these citizens to relative safety?

Racism and classism mean that the concerns, even the very lives of people of color and poor people, remain invisible.

As a member of the Congressional Black Caucus said: "God would not be pleased with our response."

I am so angry. But we are a gentle and a generous people. In response to the disaster, Unitarian Universalists and so many American citizens have opened their wallets, and many have opened their homes and their hearts to the hundreds of thousands of now homeless New Orleaneans. Donating to the UUA/UUSC Gulf Coast Relief Fund is an excellent way to express compassion. Opportunities for hands on congregational effort will multiply as the diaspora of the evacuees from the Gulf Coast continues. Public and private support for reconstruction will need to continue for months and even years.

But even our generosity has been tinged with the racism and classism that sullies the soul of our nation. One Unitarian Universalist wrote to me of "a disturbing message from a member of our congregation speaking from the pulpit this morning, regarding social action plans to help evacuees who reached [our town]: ‘These are people who left town in their cars before the hurricane hit. They're good families. You don't have to be afraid of them.' I listened in shock and horror but could not find words to respond. I know you can and will. And must."

We are told that now is not the time for criticism of how the disaster response has been managed, that there will be time for commissions and committees to conduct investigations. We know that now is the time to provide relief and support for the citizens of the Gulf, and we are working as hard as we can to do our part.

But it is not too early to begin learning from this disaster. New Orleans will most certainly be rebuilt; the economic engine of this nation requires a thriving port at the mouth of the Mississippi. But will New Orleans be rebuilt in the image of the past, which marginalized so many of its citizens? Can we not craft a vision grounded in the search for justice, equity and compassion?

We are a gentle and generous people. But let us not forget our anger. May it fuel not only our commitment to compassion but also our commitment to make fundamental changes. Our vision of the Beloved Community must stand against a vision that would allow the privilege of the few to be accepted as just and even holy. Our religious vision must again and again ask the Gospel question "Who is my neighbor" and strive always to include more and more of us as we intone the words that gave birth to this nation, "We the people..."

We are, and we should be, both a gentle, and an angry people.

In faith, Rev. William Sinkford

worth a thousand words...

In another effort of "encouragement," a Louisiana State Police SWAT team, armed
with rifles, confronted two brothers at their home in the Uptown section of New
Orleans, leaving one sobbing.

"I thought they were going to shoot me," said 23-year-old Leonard Thomas, weeping on his front porch. "That dude came and stuck the gun dead at my head."

One officer, who did not give his name, said his team tried to make sure that the two men understood that food and water is becoming scarce and that disease could begin spreading.

Leonard Thomas, 23, cries after a SWAT team burst into the flooded home he and his family were living in on Monday, Sept. 5, 2005. Neighbors had reported that they were squatting in the house in the wake of Hurricane Katrina but the authorities left after his family proved they owned the house. Some rescuers are not taking any more food and water to those who have decided to stay in an effort to force them out. (AP Photo/Rick Bowmer)

FEMA Called...

School Transfer pending...

Well, I checked and the Kyrene school has room for both the kids. I've spoken with the open enrollment specialist, and both the school's principal and gifted resource teacher. I'm ready to make the move, but that flippin' Northwest strike continues with no end in sight. I still have no idea how much longer Ro will be in Milwaukee. the after school program at the community center is understaffed, and they can't let Tyler & Halle in until they hire more staff. The good news is, Tyler & Halle will be in the next batch of waitees. The bad news is, I have no idea if that will take one week, or a month, or two... So I can move them now and instead of stressing about what they're learning, stress about them taking the city bus a mile by themselves and pray club 212 hires someone fast, or I can leave them where they are until club 212 opens up or Ro finishes this contract, but risk them falling behind and/or space not being available at Kyrene for their grades by then.

I feel like I'm screwed either way.

Third Time's a Charm?

So it's been a full two years since I first contacted Big Brother's Big Sisters... so two years, and two passed matches later, I think we have a winner. Next Tuesday, potential Big Brother Alvin and our match support specialist will be coming over to meet with Tyler and I. Alvin is a 60yo retired teacher from Ahwatukee (formerly the NE, I think Connecticut)... he's white, Christian, non-smoking, with two adult children and whose wife is also a retired teacher... owns a firearm but keeps it in a locked safe (not just a lockbox). He enjoys sports, theater, museums, etc. God willing, this match will be successful.

Bombings kill 160 in Iraq

Associated Press
Sept. 14, 2005 11:00 AM

BAGHDAD, Iraq - More than a dozen explosions ripped through the Iraqi capital in rapid succession Wednesday, killing at least 160 people and wounding 570 in a series of attacks that began with a suicide car bombing that targeted laborers assembled to find work for the day. Al-Qaida in Iraq claimed responsibility.

Home, sweet home...

Reggie made it home last night, and he acted like he's always been part of the family. He seems familiar with the kennel and the sound of the back door meaning it's potty time. He was pretty perky, despite walking like a cowboy after a long trail ride ;) He did piddle three times in the house this morning (would have been four but I busted him just as he raised his leg). He'd already been outside to pee, so he was definitely trying to make the house his own. Hopefully that will taper off really quickly, cuz in the meantime he'll have to be in his kennel unless someone can keep their undivided attention on him. Halle keeps wanting to pick him up, and I have to discourage that for a few more days cuz that area is probably tender, but she's doing better about sitting down and calling him to her lap. Daija kept announcing to all last night that 'he like me.' and Tyler is doing an awesome job helping keep an eye on him when Halle and I can't, and then giving Ramie attention so she won't be jealous. And so far, Ramie is doing fine with him too... although she did crack me up last night. I was taking a breather in the living room, and noticing Reggie's fondness for Ramie's bed, I pulled it into the living room the second time I had to tell him to get off my couch. Well, he made himself all kinds of comfortable, smack dab in the middle of it. Ramie walked over to the chair I was sitting in, turned her head towards her bed, made this noise that sounded like a 'harrumph', and walked over and curled up on the carpet.

Charter thing isn't working out too well...

I made the decision to enroll the kids at this school based on the Tucson school's success; they are one of a handful of schools ranked excelling by the AZ Dept of Ed. Unfortunately it doesn't look like the Phoenix campus is going to enjoy the same success; at least not for a few more years, and I don't have that kind of time. I sent the email below to the principal of the kids' current school a week ago and haven't gotten a response. I'm more frustrated by the day. I'm probably going to be moving the kids to another school within the next two weeks. I read an article in the paper last spring about school choice and learned that Kyrene (a neighboring school district with a very good reputation) provides transportation to one of their schools, and they have room for both the kids. I had considered it but didn't know anyone whose children attended there so I nixed it. But I've since found out one of Halle's friends who lives in our area goes to school there, so I called her mother last week. She said she loves loves loves it and has absolutely no complaints. The only drawback (and this was also a factor last spring) is that they have a handful of bus stops in our area. Last spring, the two closest stops are both close to a mile from our house. This fall, they added a stop at the community center the kids went to over the summer, because they opened an after school program that hadn't existed in the spring. Problem is, they're short a staff member or two and we're on a waiting list until they get someone else hired.

I'm trying to figure out when Ro will be home, or how close the city is to hiring another staff member. I am to the point though, with this f-ing school that I may not be able to wait for Ro to get home or the city program to open up, and may have to let the kids take the city bus that seven-tenths of a mile and go to my sitter's or a neighbor's house, or home. I'm not terribly comfortable with them taking the bus even that short distance, but nothing is changing at this school and I'm becoming more and more worried that they'll fall behind. I keep telling myself that whichever of the two evils I choose, it's only temporary. But that's not helping; I don't have any idea what time from 'temporary' is... it could be a week or months.

I am so frustrated with Ro right now. It looks like there's a good chance that Northwest will offer the contractors permanent positions, and I think he's considering taking an offer, if they make him one. It's probably premature for me to be upset because a) he hasn't gotten an offer and b) just because he gives it consideration doesn't mean it's a done deal. But it's just one more thing to think about at night. Him taking a permanent job out of state was not part of the deal. This was supposed to be a temporary thing, just because they were paying so well and offering so much paid training. If he said thanks but no thanks, he'd be back here in a few more weeks (I think... I'm not sure how long he's obligated to stay) and just wait until the after school program opens up before taking another job. Then I wouldn't have to stress about the kids going to a rotten school, or having to fend for themselves after school.

I wanted to follow up with you regarding our meeting three weeks ago. I am disappointed to report that in the last three weeks, I have not seen any significant improvement for Halle (1st grade). Briefly before the holiday, she was bringing home extra worksheets that were closer to the level of work she was doing in kinder; however, one night she had two of the same worksheet and indicated the teacher wanted her to do the same worksheet, twice. Additionally, she had a Saxon worksheet she had completed without error the week before. I spoke with Mrs. Reed on the telephone, who indicated she was giving extra worksheets to her advanced students and confirmed that she was giving them duplicates for practice. I could not think of a tactful way to share my thoughts on the logic of that practice, but I did express that while I appreciated her efforts to challenge Halle, having the advanced children do the same assignment twice and giving them extra worksheets in addition to the regular classwork almost punishes a child for being academically gifted. I pointed out that it seemed more logical to simply give the child work that is academically appropriate to their skill level. Mrs. Reed indicated to me then that she had to follow the curriculum. This is completely at odds with what I was told by Marilyn Eisenberg prior to enrolling my children at SSA and what we discussed in
August, which was that while there was no gifted program, my children would be allowed to accelerate within the curriculum and would not be held back. I haven't seen any 'extra' worksheets since that conversation, but the work Halle brings home continues to be the equivalent of the sight words and spelling words that her kindergarten teacher assigned during the first few weeks of school. I ran into Halle's kindergarten teacher last week and when she asked about Halle's new school, all I could say was, 'At least she's bored in a class of 10 instead of being bored in a class of 25.'

I also mentioned that Tyler had not had any assigned homework. He started having homework the following week, however, he almost never brings it home because he has finished it in class. I have inquired with Mr. Behrens multiple times as to whether Tyler is indeed turning in his homework and his answers are generally vague. I have made it a point to speak with Mr. Behrens on more than one occasion about Tyler's severe executive function deficits and hyperactivity; as the parent of an ADHD child Mr. Behrens assured me that he was very familiar with the needs of students with ADHD. Unfortunately, I have not seen any evidence of this. There has been no follow up from Mr. Behrens confirming whether or not Tyler is turning in his homework. I have also seen no graded homework or classwork. I have asked Tyler if Mr. Behrens ever gives reminders such as, 'make sure you have your books or assignments, etc; either to him to the class at large, and he says there are none. It has also become apparent that Tyler spends a considerable amount of time in class where he is supposed to 'find something quiet to do' while Mr. Behrens teaches the other grade. Never having taught myself I can't say I know the best way to manage any classroom, mixed grade or otherwise, but leaving about a dozen children, at least one of which has hyperactive and impulsive behaviors, to their own devices seems unwise at best. What I understand from Tyler, and I admit that his perspective is not always the whole picture, Mr. Behrens instructs them to work on homework, read, or draw while he teaches the other class. I don't get the impression from Tyler that he usually has any specific classwork he is supposed to be doing while the other grade receives instruction. I don't think this classroom environment has the structure or organization that Tyler needs to be successful, and I am having an increasingly difficult time picturing my child in it for one year, much less two (although if we stay the year, perhaps next year enrollment will have increased enough to have separate 4/5 classrooms). I mentioned in our meeting that Tyler seems to have a great deal of time to draw - frankly I've become concerned this 4/5 split classroom has left my child only being instructed about half the time he's in the classroom. I admit to being spoiled as Tyler has had some truly exceptional teachers, but he has never had time in any other classroom, not even with the first grade teacher I thought was mediocre at best, ever had time to sit and draw, nor told to bring a book from home to keep busy with. And I should probably ditto that for Halle; she comes home with anywhere from one to five pages of notebook paper covered in pictures and with little notes written on them. Additionally, the work that Tyler is doing, particularly in math and spelling is not the level of work he was doing in third grade. I'm especially concerned to have read on Mr. Behrens homework log that the 4th and 5th graders are both doing the chapter in the spelling book. This week's words definitely easier than what I'm used to seeing Tyler bring home and I can't help but wonder what fifth grade would hold for him in this classroom.

A side note: I see no correlation between the spelling words and any of his subject matter and am not sure what is being done regarding integration of subjects. In 2nd and 3rd grade, Tyler's spelling words ALWAYS were related to what he was studying in math, science, social studies, or language arts. My daughters spelling words at the
beginning of her kindergarten year were always variations of the group of sight words she was learning, and by the end of the year her teacher had all but given up trying to challenge her 'apple group' and started asking them what they wanted to learn to spell... so Halle came home with spelling words like 'significant' and 'cooperate'.

Finally, I wanted to comment about the after school activities. I was very perplexed to get the list of proposed activities and see that the only options available to my 4th grader would be music, sports, and spelling. There is nothing for science or math or strategic thinking (chess, etc), which was what I was expecting from SSA. I left a public school that offered band to all 4-8 students as well as football, basketball, soccer, and softball, so the fact that his options are basically a watered down version of extracurriculars he could have had at the school I pulled him from is incredibly
disappointing. I was even more perplexed that K-2 students have three more after school options than the 4th graders do, and that their options are more academic than those offered to older, more mature students with longer attention spans. Can you give me any insight into those disparities?

Reverse Psychology from a 2yo?

I think Daija tried to psychologize me Saturday night. She was fighting going to bed, and after about the third time I planted her but on the mattress, she was in there screaming 'Mommy don't turn on the light'. I listened, very carefully, and she was saying... don't turn ON the light... not don't turn OFF the light (which was already off).

I think she thought if she told me not to turn it on, I would just to spite her.

Ramie Meets Reggie...

We took Ramie down to meet Reggie and that went well. They checked each out, and once she'd given him the once-over, she turned her attention to sniffing down the rest of the holding area. Reggie, on the other hand, would have had his nose glued to her *ahem* backside if he'd had the choice. LOL, poor little guy - her stuff (hopefully) won't be all that interesting to him after tomorrow. Halle was so disappointed when I said it was time to go, I told her we'd come back in the afternoon and hopefully they wouldn't be so busy. We decided to take Ramie to Petsmart to get her new tag, and wound up with a travel carrier for Reggie. If they continue to get along really well and *if* he doesn't have any trouble housebreaking, I'll probably return the crate, but we'll need something to keep him from roaming the car when we go out, or if we take him on a trip. After we dropped Ramie at home and grabbed Reggie's leash & halter, we went back to animal control to make sure it fit/give him a little more leash time and a chance to get to know his 'carseat'. The most adorable thing happened when we were walking out. The dog kennels are indoor/outdoor, and a few feet beyond the exterior of their kennel fence, is another fence that has that green plastic stuffthreaded through it. We were walking along to the car and Halle was trailing behind peering through the fence at the dogs who are outside. I hear this 'BARK BARK' and Halle says Mommy that dog looks just like Reggie and I look and it WAS Reggie. Little sweetheartmusta been wondering 'I heard her say AT LEAST 50 TIMES that I was her new dog, SO WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME HERE AGAIN?'